Hi all 🙂

Had an up and down day.. started off bad, I was irritable and anxious and wanted to stay in bed all day. I hate days like these.

I've argued with my brother, for no reason at all. I've had a good cry about a tiny problem.

I miss having a job. I miss having money. I need some good retail therapy! My anxiety started after job loss, and the stress is still there, the no money, feeling like i'm going nowhere in life, just going along with my meaningless days. My meds have stopped the anxiety attacks, but its still there, it can't just be taken away with a little round pill.

In the UK, if you are referred to a therapist there is a waiting list of 6-8 months. I only started this process a couple of months ago, because I was in denial about it helping me at first. If you can afford to, you go private. Obviously not an option for me.

I asked my workplace to be referred to occupational health, they have counsellers and therapists.. this was about a month ago and still nothing.

I'm feeling frustrated.

I have friends, family and self help books getting me through, and I am lucky for that. But I am craving somebody to tell me I'm not going mad, somebody who really understands whats going on, just to reassure me it's all going to be okay. I have self diagnosed my depersonalization and agoraphobia, and I want some validation that when I'm trying to treat these things, that this is actually whats wrong with me, and I'm not taking the wrong approach.

I want to not be taking tablets, the GP's just hand them out like sweets. I want to know that I can do it alone, but to be perfectly honest I'm too scared. Rock bottom was a scary place, and I never want to be there again. The fear and the suicidal thoughts.. it was unbearable. I need help.

I want to beat this, I want to be me again. Carefree and fun. That girl seems like a stranger.

Sorry to be downbeat. I hope you are all having a good day.

Love xo