Late at night when I have way too much time with my thoughts, I find myself just looking for things that make me feel worse. I see all my cousins' pictures and how happy and well adjusted they all are. They have such a close knit family and they're all so friendly and well liked. I hate it and it's pathetic but I keep thinking "Well at least they had siblings to be there for one another or people in general to grow up with." I had them when I was younger till they all decided to up and move without saying anything to my Mom and I. And then I was just alone with her and her abuse. Anyway, I know I could and often try to be positve. It's not like I'm not happy for them, of course I am but I am so angry. I wish I could stop but I find myself unable to move past so many things and I hold onto so much. Even with co-workers who used to be my close friends and others who have wronged me, I constantly have to keep telling myself "You're better than them, just smile and act like you don't care." The whole time I'm dwelling on everything, hoping they're miserable. I dislike how much I care about other people who couldn't careless about me. My anger hurts me more than it will ever effect them which just makes me more angry. I know I need to learn to meditate or something but these days I don't want to do much of anything. Or I'll get all pumped about it and do it for a couple days and then I'll come right back down. I feel like I'll never have what my extended family has just because of the circumstances in which I was raised. I'm angry that I have to try harder to be happy and get anywhere with my life (which I haven't). I feel terrible that my aunt managed to raise 7 amazing successful children that all love her and are all so close to one another. All the while my mother had one maladjusted kid who at 22 hasn't even completed a semester in community college and has social anxiexty to the extent that she doesn't even talk to any of her family and avoids said mother like the plague.
I wish I could change and believe me I've tried. It's painful to watch blood relatives love and enjoy your step family more than they ever did with you simply because I have a hard time talking to people. It makes me not want to try and it makes me resent my step family more than I already do. They have never understood me, have stabbed me in the back and have shunned me simply because I am different and can't adjust like them.
It's just hard. It feels redundant saying all this because my brain KNOWS what I should be and need to be doing to get better but I CAN'T. I even know I shouldn't say "can't" but that doesn't help. (so many negatives >_<)
I wish I could get people to understand and care..I wish I could cultivate close meaningful friendships and have a support system. But for some reason it seems like every friend I make drifts away for one reason or another and I just don't want to try. I feel so cliche saying all this but what can you do? Feelings are feelings and I'm sure they'll go away and come right back ten times stronger like they always do. I say I want to stop feeling but I already feel empty most the time. The only things I do feel are anger, sadness, and anxiety. Some days I feel okay but that is short lived. My whole life I was made to think depression is a weakness, something you just have to get over or you're just being sad and lazy and pathetic. Everywhere I turn even from people I love and respect, who have inspired me say, "Happiness is a choice." I've tried chosing happiness, I've tried smiling all the time and boosting my mood but it only lasts so long. I really feel like I am sick and I know I need help but I guess for right now the best I can do is try to help myself. Luckily Obama won and I might actually be able to get health care and help next year. Hopefully..