this is just some good old fashioned venting. maybe it will help. i'm fucking hoping it will…because i'm at a point of mental breakdown. i thought going back on meds would do me good…but this prozac is making me more depressed and suicidal than ive been in a long long time. maybe its not the medication, but the fact i keep drinking alcohol and smoking pot occasionally. i know i need to stop on both…but lately its been hard. my bf keeps asking me to go hang out with his friends…and even my friends…and i get so nervous that i want to drink. i want to smoke. so i can relax and fit in with everyone else there. i dont want to do it anymore though, i really dont. i just want to stay in and be healthy…the drinking doesnt help my weight-loss either. ive been at a stand-still for weeks…havent lost anything. yet i still work out everyday and drink so much water i'm pissing every five seconds…taking my weight loss pills and eating vegetables and not much else. i cant bring myself to like who i am. every second i'm hating on myself. and if you loathe yourself to the core, nothing looks good. the future, the present, the past. i'm just so sick of it all. i'm sick of my family and of never suceeding in anything. i am a garbage human being. i do nothing, yet i'm stressed out. havent gone to college. got no job. leech off my bf….leech off f anyone who will let me. so how can i try to be positive? people might say, well if you dont like yourself, then change. well, ive tried to change my body. lost 20 lbs…but im still fat. i still have zits. i still have a cleft chin and split ends and scars all over myself. cant change it. can't change shit. i try to change the way i act, but if i didnt leech i'd have nothing. if i start doing things i freak out and panic, and cry and get scared. i just want to go away…into a mental house. i really do. i'm at that point. but it wont change a thing. i'm starting to believe that people cannot change. it is impossible. i will be this way for the rest of my life. so why prolong it? bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh