Such bright and thoughtful responses you provide to my blogs, I thank you for that, you all know who you are.
I know that exercise is a good thing, I recall in the past during one of my darkest moments, I got on the stepper downstairs and pushed myself until I couldn’t move anymore. Then I showered, a kind of "cleansing" of the situation more than anything else. By the time Tom got home, I was exhausted but the tears and anxiety had stopped.
Apparently I have no self control. I know I should not be doing these things. (and please know that I am not doing anything illegal or looking at pornography) because I know that is what this sounds like. My latest addiction is the Internet. As you can plainly see, I spend most of my day on-line, whether I am at work or at home. I am on pretty much every social website that you can think of, seriously, and I check my e-mail at least 10 times a day. Some people would say this is normal behavior and not an addiction, but for me it is an addiction. I have computer games that I play for hours, trying to get past that level, only to try and conquer the next one. Am I hurting anyone? Myself, my husband, and anyone else who has felt neglected lately, probably my daughter? The odd thing is, I can still get things done and make it look like I was busy. I can’t imagine what I would accomplish if I limited my time to an hour a day. Taking away my computer at home won’t help, because I still have access to one at work.
Anyway, this is only part of my problem. One of the sites is where I listed the inappropriate posting and I know I need to and have to give it up, but yet I cannot let go. This is in relation to the "person" I mentioned in the past, who I thought was a friend but in the end it turned out that was not true. If he was so bad, why do I still want to be his friend? If all he did was truly hurt me, although he swore up and down he never wanted to, why do I still wish he would contact me? Honestly is my self esteem so low that I am this desperate for acceptance? This was not a healthy friendship by any means, and yet….
This is where I am stuck. In the mud, in the $hit I have created for myself. I have been extremely honest with my husband in most of this matter and he knows how I am struggling. But I don’t think he really totally understands.
Please know I am not referring to Dtribe here. Yesterday I was very blue. Instead of staying off this web site, I logged in to check for messages and then got more depressed when there were none. Not from him or anyone else. How pathetic. I know better but yet….
So Andrea, or anyone else who wants to "discipline me", please feel free to do so. I think what I need is a good slap upside the head.
It isn’t bad enough to struggle with depression and anxiety itself, I apparently feel the need to create additional challenges to face.