I want to be something. I don't entirely understand my need to write things down. But one thing I notice is that I constantly have to check myself before I type something down – is it truthful? am I dramatizing it? am I trying to make it sound vague or something anyone could say?

I want to write, for myself. And I doubt that anyone who read this would be helped, but that would be a nice bonus.

I woke up today at 7:30 with Jacob, and went to make some green tea for us while he took a shower. When he got out, he chopped some red and green peppers and I grabbed a yogurt with granola. We headed over to feed the guinea pigs, which are still nameless (though I still want to name the little darter Hermes). After much running around, we got them to take a few bites, and put them back in their cage with their food. I really got a calm feeling petting the cow-print one, with the little black head and white stripe going down its nose.

Forced Jacob to take a banana to work with him, wrote a couple of things on facebook, then found this place. From my history of commitment to treatments, I don't know how long I'll be here for. Why should I want to read about my sad day again? And who else would want to?

I'm feeling hopeless… is that a mood option? ..oh, no, it isn't. Oh well.

I have to get some online school courses done for the end of the year, but I am afraid to get them started. I'm so scared. I wish I had someone with me to just sit beside me and not judge the speed I was working at.. just someone to be there to keep me from getting scared.

I'm scared.

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 10 years ago

    I think your innards want you to write. They are driving you towards it. Get a journal, write your fears down in a non censuring manner, do not worry about legibility, misspelling or grammar,,,, a sort of free association thing. Write, about you anxiety and fears, keep writing even if you are repeating yourself, keep writing until the emotions which have gripped you into their stranglehold dissipate, they will, this is suitable for a journal, but not for blogging, but it can be a very therapeutic device. Try it, good luck

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