I feel sad today, and I’m not sure why I can’t shake it. It doesn’t exactly feel like depression—I know that feeling. It’s just sadness. Like mourning. Maybe hormones. My period is five days late. No, I’m not pregnant.

I’m feeling alone, I guess. I don’t have any friends. Not anymore. People reach out to me on social media, wanting to meet up once this pandemic shit loosens up a bit, so it’s not like I’m not opening myself up for it. I say how I’d love to get together, but is that true?

It’s just hard to relate to people who aren’t eyeball deep in autism. My son isn’t GOING to play with your child. I don’t even know if he wants to, but there’s a hole in my chest every time I worry that he DOES want to play and might be hurt and lonely when other kids stop bothering anymore.

How do I protect my baby from this? I can’t.  Who do I fight? No one. Who understands? No one.

So I keep pretending this this is all okay. Because no one wants to imagine themselves in my place anyway. No one wants to feel like this could be them. This could have been their baby.

So I just normalize autism. Celebrate it. Fucking despise it. No one sees that part of it because they don’t want to. How’s that for privilege?

2 Comments
  1. aquazium 10 months ago

    Wow that sounds rough, I’m sorry. I’m feeling alone, too. Even though I have friends. I just feel sad, and no, it’s not depression. It’s SAD. I’m trying to be okay with it, leave it, but I keep crying. I just wanted to let you know that I’m feeling it to.
    I hope you’ll figure out how to help your son. It sounds very frustrating. Good luck and God bless! Honestly, maybe I will have a child with Autism. For your sake, I’m trying to imagine what that would be like. You’re in my prayers.

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