So, as I have mentioned in previous ramblings here, I have been w/ my guy since we were 17…  so I basically feel like a virgin because he’s the only guy I’ve ever been with.  Hardly a fairytale, though.  Not by any stretch of the imagination.

So, through a friend of ours, we were introduced to this guy who now lives in bk… and I’m extremely attracted to him.  It’s really ridiculous and frustrating…. holy shit, I’d love to get to know him better personally… but I realize of course that I wouldn’t be able to contribute positively to his life anyway so I suppose I’m better off just staying away instead of embarassing myself in front of him.  He would quickly learn that I am a recluse and gruesomely antisocial.  And that my life is very boring and contained and pretty fucking miserable.  I have nothing to offer him whatsoever.

I truly love my guy in ways that I cannot explain… he’s the only person in the world who I would earnestly consider ‘family’… he’s the only person who even remotely ‘knows’ me… yet I am such a secretive person that there’s an ugly bevy of shit that I keep contained from him… fucked up shit that I almost get off on keeping a secret from him, so as to satisfy my ego by ‘sacrificing’ my own feelings, just to appease him…. strange, right? And I often feel disgustingly guilty about it that I overcompensate by catering to him in absurd ways… I feel like I have a lot to express and I just keep it all contained… this also comes from having basically no friends.

" FRIENDS DEFINE WHO YOU ARE " dammit! Perhaps this explains my lack of conviction and conversation topics… because I don’t DO anything.  I am apathetic and uninterested…. and I’m honestly not passionate about anything.  And that is a brutal realization.  I suppose I’m loosely an artist… but not really because I don’t care about anything… I have no message to deliver.  I once did, or at least I convinced myself that I did.  But who the fuck knows now?

I changed.. something happened.  Something shattered.  And I always go back to the same scapegoat… that traumatic falling out w/ my best friend of 18 years my freshman year of college; the constant back-and-forth, push-and-pull between NY & NJ, spending every weekend with my boyfriend and not making any friends because "I wasn’t at liberty to" (which I still blame on my boyfriend to this day and he takes no accountability for it); doing hard drugs every goddamn weekend during the Autumn of 2004.  And 2005 was also a god-awful year.  All these things put such unneeded stress and trauma upon my soul.  I lost myself and I haven’t recovered since.  And my guy is truly incapable of understanding the impact that all of these events had on the development of my persona, and how these past events were extremely detrimental to my self-esteem and mental health.  That’s what really upsets me… For him, it’s all water under the fucking bridge, and I wasn’t able to shake it.  I still carry it around.  And of course that is greatly attributed to my personality and my habit of letting all my past baggage drag me down and in a lot of ways it’s really not his problem… but if he loves me, shouldn’t he try to understand this and help me? Again, too fucking late.  It’s not worth it.

Anyway, I went on a tangent here.  My point is, this new guy that I’m attracted to… I think he’s really perfect…. like, I am insanely attracted to him.  I adore being around him.  He’s an awesome human being.  I really want to make a great impression on him.. I want him to think I’m really interesting and talented and happy.  I hope he never has a chance to see that I am dead and empty inside.

I want to fall in love… I want to be passionate.  I don’t expect life to be perfect, but I want to enjoy the ride.  I want to be distracted by wonderful things.  I want to share my time with good people, especially this one guy.

This is really painful in a way; I hate this feeling.. because the way I see it, I’m not just ‘lusting after some dude’… or maybe I am, I don’t know… but it’s like, I could EASILY see myself falling in love with him.  But I guess I’m also the kind of person who finds the element of persona (his kindness, his general vibe) a HUGE fucking turn-on.

And I feel so wretched…. I feel like I was basically subconsciously manipulated into my relationship w/ my guy… he was the only person, nevertheless the only male, who ever wanted to spend that much time w/ me, and who doted on me that much.  Before that, I’d never even experienced a guy giving me the goddman fucking time of day.. but then he came along… And we became best friends quickly.  And then I realized the power that I had over him… by letting him touch me and being a total fucking tease.  It was always a game to me… only now can I admit that.  I was never really attracted to him to begin with… I just always TRUSTED him to begin with… It’s like I’d always sensed from the beginning that he would care about me unconditionally.  And then one day he finally game me the ultimatum.. i.e, "what the fuck is going on here… I want to be with you…" etc etc…

So essentially, I made my bed and I figured that at that point, I was obligated to sleep in it.  I was guilted into a relationship because I was being a tease, and it got me in trouble.

And now, look where I am…. A total fucking recluse with no friends, a horrible job that is destroying my mental health, addicted to suffering, undeniably depressed and anxious and apathetic and completely unpassionate.

I am a disgrace to life.  I am a victim of my insecurities devouring me, and I strongly refuse to get better.  I am consciously draining the resources of the world and wasting everyone’s time.  Especially my poor guy… he’s just so motivated, so enthusiastic about life in general.  And I know he loves me and I feel so disgraceful that our entire relationship is based on a sick fucking charade that I manifested.

I’m an awful person.  What makes me even remotely think that even if I were single, this new guy would be attracted to me? I have no enthusiasm for life at all.  I always have a miserable expression on my face.  I always want to die instead of going forward.

I wish I could get better and feel good about myself… and really spend time revealing my new-and-improved self to this guy… I would love nothing more.