I think with the change of season I came down with a cold, or was that OCD? Oh wait, I've had OCD for 20yrs…

As some of you know, last night my wife and my doc agreed it was time for me to go to the hospital. I've never been in the hospital for OCD, I avoided it like the cracks in the sidewalk. Here's how it went, you'll see why I am so angry and so ready to give up on getting any help whatsoever.

We go to the hospital, and they force you to go through the ER. Ok, fine. Get triaged, and then it's "Oooooh, you're a mental patient, come with me" and I'm escorded to an area of the ER that no one should ever see. Theres a row of "cells", cell #1, sleeping guy, cell #2, sleeping guy who should close his legs, cell #3, my new temporary holding area. 2 cameras in the room, behind plexiglass, a tv on the wall, also behind plexiglass, and no remote. iCarly blasting in the room (Is this the psych ward or guantanamo bay?) Ok fine, at least the floor is laminate, no cracks.. beautifully smooth (but who's watching me on the camera?). So first it's get all the clothes off, give us your phone, give us your keys, send wife home…… My response is… If you take my phone, how can I call my wife to come get me if I don't stay? RESPONSE: she can leave you quarters for the payphone.. Ok.. odd, but whatever. So then I sit there and go through the blood testing, urinalisys, BP, etc etc etc.I am asked 4different times by 4different nursesThen they all disappear.

Then "Gus" comes in. Gus is the "resident" who "used to be" a practicing psychologist. Gus has all the bedside manner of Gregory House. While I can appreciate the humor on TV, I do not wish to be part of it. Gus starts off by saying "How do you know that you have OCD and that this isn't just your personality?" Wait an effing minute, really? if this is my personality, I'm a big dck who has an affinity for cleaning household appliances and really doesn't like that mirror! Ok, so Gus continues.Here are the next questions….

-Why are you here?

-Are you dilusional?

-Do you simply want a few days vacation or do you need to just not be in your house

Ok. slow down. Is this guy a resident or did a patient get out?

Re dilusional… I tell the truth.. When OCD cranks up, I ruminate… I blur the lines between what's OCD and what's actually happening. (Did I just run someone over?). Gus' next quesiton is – "Do YOU feel you should be here?" Ok, now I have a problem. I'm a 180lb guy, half naked in front of gus, talking about my darkest secrets, and he's asking if I'm doing it for laughs? I respond YES. His next question – Do I need to worry about you trying to kill yourself tonight? Whoa…. Gus…. you're a tool. While I did not feel particularly suicidal yesterday, there have been moments, fleeting thoughts, almost wishful thinking, so I tell him. I then redirect and say "Gus – If we established that I can be dilusional at times, I have OCD, I have anxiety, I have depression… why on earth would you even ask me if I would kill myself if I'd only lie to you and also, why would you trust my responses at all when I'm telling you the OCD has gotten much worse and I feel as though I'm losing touch.

Anyway, if you are still reading this far down, you are a true friend because I'm actually boring MYSELF (Hi cat, want a Tasty Kake?)… I'll cut to the punchline.. I told Gus he was an ass, I asked to be sent home, came home and now I'm back to square one; only with much less optimism.

I see myself losing my grip, I see my short term memory getting worse, I see my fears getting amplified, I see my getting completely consumed with thougths and forgetting my family in the process, and I see that I can not do this any more. Should I be in the hospital, I have no clue. I do know though, right now I dont want my meds, dont want my doc, dont want the hospital, and don't want much of anything at all. I want to be left alone; in the worst way.

Well, it's 12:15am and I'm pretty much done with most of everything. Sorry, I'm whining.I gotta go.