i’m not exactly sure where this is gonna wind up, but it’s hit me like a huge rock.  Maybe, it means absolutely nothing.   Maybe….there’s more to it?  But, i thought i’d write it here, just in case someone reads…and can share some insight or their own experience?  i’ve written, more than once, about some of the most ugly things that’ve happened in my life.  One “behavior”? stands out to me.  i know why i did the things i did when my brother’s friend took advantage of me and raped me.  i was made to believe his mother was bat-shit-crazy, where he was concerned, even to the point of believing he was the “newborn Christ.”  *sigh  So, out of fear–i felt i was truly in danger, if i made noise or spoke up–i kept as quiet as i could and just got thru it, somehow. 

Wow…that was more than 30 years ago, now!  (i feel so old!)  And, yet, it’s still a problem for me.  *sigh  i guess what i’m trying to figure out is this:  is it possible that those memories are actually taking over, sometimes, which makes me go into another ‘zone’ to get through the situation?  –does that makes sense?  OK, to make it a little clearer, i’ll share an example.  When some people (men) have tried to be intimate with me, and i really didn’t want to do it, it was more like i went numb and my thoughts went to a grey zone, of sorts, without clarity.  i even experienced it with my ex-husband, quite a few times.  It doesn’t/didn’t happen all the time, but i have noticed a pattern….  Could that be why?  i mean, i shouldn’t be afraid, especially if the person gives a hoot about me.  Right?  “No” or “not right now” should be enough, right?  or is it?  Is it ever?  i can’t even type this, without picking at my skin….What’s wrong with me?  i just want to tear my skin open and make it bleed….So tired of feeling like this–having allowed someone else to have this sort of control over me!  i get so fed up with trying to make it another day…talk someone else off the cliff or lean in for others to use my shoulders….just being there for people.  ya know?  What’s it gotten me?  i’m so tired, still. 

Yeah, i know:  gotta keep trying to fight, so i can be around for Gabe and Petey–or do i?  What difference does it really make?  And, to top things off, i think i ‘scared’ the prospective roommate off, too.  *sigh  Wtf?  It’s like i can’t just let anything go!  Everything worries me.  Every detail concerns me.  Why?  i ain’t perfect.  i’m no where near where i should be.  i can’t do anything like i used to do, but i still try.  Why, though?  What difference does it really make, in the long run?