okay, i deal with pocd daily.  groinal responses, fears of changing my daughter's diapers, strapping her in her carseat, holding her….whatever……you name it, i obsess about it.  so today this was so weird.  my 8 year old daughter handed me a mailbox key….(i obsess about every little touch, or any kind of physical interaction with my kids)….and when i grabbed the key, i squeezed it tight, and i kept it tight for a couple of seconds.  while this was happening a thought popped into my head, or words that said "i'm doing something sexual to my daughter"…..and then the anxiety spike hit.  i was very angry with myself afterwards, because i hate it any time i create an anxiety spike.  I've read in the ocd books about magical thinking and all, but if i can't figure out why i've done something, it drives me close to madness.  i could really use some insight on this one.  one reason i've thought may be because, as many of you know, we walk around on eggshells trying not to do anything remotely wrong, and monitor every movement we make….and i for one am tired of it.  i've been told to just freely hold my children, hug them, etc…..but i have to pay for it mentally all of the time.  so maybe i was being sarcastic with my ocd, like "oh yeah, i'm sqeezing this key and doing something sexual"……or something else along this line.  i feel like im rambling on but ocd makes me feel so helpless and confused.  i know that i dont want to do anything sexual to my kids or any other kids.  any ideas on what my mind may have been doing?  because it's been driving me crazy.  i ask myself questions like, "can a sexual intention be created in a few seconds time? because that's one of my biggest fears at the moment.  seriously, i question every contact with my kids…like "did i leave my hand there too long, or move to quickly.  i'm so full of anxiety that i notice even a finger twitch when i'm buckling a car seat and feel like i've done something wrong.  now i'm just venting…..but really, can anyone offer any sense to why i am making such a big deal out of the key incident and how in the heck do i fight this??  thanks

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