this is pretty pointless to blog about but i am bothered so here goes…i have three daughters (2yrs,4yrs,and one that is 6 months)   there are a million thing i could do with my  day…and i always end up staying in and playing=cleaning prepareing dinner,and the normal household stuff…but what i really want to do is go to the playground…it is two short blocks from my house… or to the mall which is also very close…the annoying thing is i know i would be there if it wern’t for my ocd…very wierd to actually imagine what i would be doing right now if i never had ocd…it is like putting a bowl of fresh milk in front of a lactose intolerate kitten…it is very aggrivating…i have come a laong way but certain things i have a very hard time dealling with so what i can i avoid like theplayground…the reason my ocd tells me not to go there is because my grils take a nap in the afternoon and it can’t stand the idea of putting them in their beds in clothes they just played in and then putting them to sleep at night after a bath in the same bed…so they are only alowed to get "dirty" after nap time…but what a shitty life…kids should be able to play whenever they want…i am sure some of you ar ethinking well change their clothes and i have done that but then i have to deal with the fact that i let ocd win..realisticly if there is no visible dirt on them i should not feel the need to change them before nap…not to mention the laundry situation around here is bad enough…i don’t know it is very frustraing… there are children in this world with disablitys that don’t allow them to enjoy the plaground for my girls who ar ephysiclly healthy their only disablity is me…i should not be bored…there is a lot i could do when i have the enrgy and drive but ocd is stopping me…just like it stops me from  makig certain thing for dinner…or stops us from BBQing on the grill…and from taking my kids to certain stores or from playing in the yard…i even have a yard that i avoid because i have a dog  abd no matter how often and therowly i clean up after her i alway fell there is poop out ther so we almost never go out there…what the frig is that…if i can’t see it i should not think it is there  right…  there really is probalby no place on this earth that some animal or creature or humans hasn’t poop on at some point  buit in MY yard it is a problem…why cause i have ocd…i am not feeling bad for myself i am just annoyed…i wish i could just do it…i really want to but i don’t feel like worrying about it…but really i am worried about it anyway so maybe i should just do it …i feel shitty for not doing it and i’ll feel shitty after i do it so bottomm line i am screwed either way so   at least if i just do these things  i will maybe be lucky enough to enjoy one second and i am sure the girls would be thrilled which in turn will make me happy…still anxious but happy…i am sorry i guess i anwsered all my own questions…  but that is even MORE annoying because i know these thing so why can’t i just get past it…today exposure in a life full of them will be to go play in the yard…after picking up poop.,.  i let you guy know how it go since i just forsed you to read all this …this is how my brain works i actually have to talk my self into things…i well i’ll see   take care all!


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