I was told 9 months ago when I was hospitalized for what would have been a successful suicide attempt that I would have to remain on depression and anxiety medications for the rest of my life. If it weren’t for the good combination of about six or so medications that they prescribed me, I don’t think I would have been able to pull out of my nosedive. When I got out of the hospital, I didn’t stop cutting (I know, I know. BAD Theresa. Bad.). In fact, the cutting got worse, but I wasn’t trying to kill myself. However, a couple of months ago I didn’t have the money to get the refills I needed, so I simply did not get them. I waited for my inner time bomb to go off because nothing good usually comes out of going off phsych meds cold turkey.

The explosion never came.

In the past two months, I have not cut, I’ve been more productive, I’ve felt a wider range of emotions, and I’ve been inspired. I’ve started drawing again and I can’t even tell you how amazing that feels. But I’m starting to wonder if I really did pass over the withdrawal…or if it just hasn’t hit yet.

I love the holiday season. I am my happiest during Advent. It’s January that’s deadly for me. After the excitement of Christmas and New Years has passed and my child-like expectations have been met, January introduces a 3-month period of bitter cold, grey, boredom, and loneliness. My depression attacks almost immediately after the holiday season is over, as it does for millions of other people. I’m starting to think that maybe I should go back on my medications, or at least go back on them after the holidays. I never had a problem with taking medications for my mental afflictions. I didn’t feel bad about it and I wasn’t ashamed. I took them willingly with the idea that I needed them. I thought that I had to take them to be a normal person. Yet, I feel more normal than I’ve felt in an entire year. I can’t decide what to do.

I have an appointment with my doctor in a couple of weeks and I haven’t seen him since I stopped taking my meds. I was considering letting him think that I was still taking them, but I want to get the best treatment that I possibly can and I can’t get that if I’m not being honest. He’s either going to be really upset with me or he might even be glad. The fact that I’ve stopped cutting is a huge step in the right direction and I achieved that without medication. I’m not sure what to do. While this feels great, I’m terrified of my depression striking again while I’m not on anything. If I’m constantly taking medication, then at least the depression can’t strike as hard. But I want to really experience my life and feel everything that comes with it. I didn’t realize how much I hated having my thoughts and emotions inhibited until now and I don’t want to go back to that.

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