I'm going through a lot at the moment.  Maybe this blog won't be as long as I predict, but maybe writing it all down will help me sort out all of my thoughts.  My life has been up and down for quite a long time.  To save you reading the other blogs (!), I had loads of work stress which led to anxiety which led to panic attacks which led to work stress which increased the anxiety…. and it was only being signed off work with stress did I realise that something had to change….. So I quit 2 weeks ago.

Its taking me ages to learn to chill out – think I had let it go on for far too long – sleep patterns were up the wall, eating patterns are now OK – but still feel like I lost my personality somewhere along the line.  I am fine with people I know – but haven't got the art of conversation for people I don't know.  I'm not anxious when with strangers – more tired, nothing to talk about, delayed thoughts before I think what to say.  Hope I get my personality back soon!!   

Got 3 things affecting me today. Had an interview this week – seemed like it was a good job – but got the standard letter of rejection today.  I know that more jobs will come along – it'll be OK – but I'd have preferred to be the one who said No – as opposed to being told No.  I would have said Yes – but hey, its now possible to make a positive choice for my future etc….

Second thing – checked my bank balance yesterday – ouch.  I know I should know how much cash I have / don't have, but its always been OK.  I read the numbers yesterday and realised I haven't got a salary coming in next month.  Shit…..

Finally – I feel so mean writing this.  I'm jealous of one of my best mates!  She is in an awful situation – life has changed the dice and she is coping with shit loads.  Just found out she is pregnant.  Won't go into it here as its not my story but she is on her own, no money, no home of her own and having to break the news / sort out her life.  I haven't got any kids – never settled down with the right bloke – and if I was to get pregnant now, I'd be in the same situation.  I'd give anything to swap with her now.  I provided the shoulder for her to cry on for the last couple of days and its been hard.  I feel like life has slipped me by, and whilst I have been stressed over work and building up my life, I've missed all of the opportunities for settling down / having a family.  I've achieved a lot more than many people I know – but so what?  I'm on my own.  And it feels too late to change things around.  I don't even know what to write next.  I was so scared of committment that I never committed.  I feel like I haven't let myself live my life and enjoy it.  I never realised that I was going to hit 34 years old, and feel jealous of someone who is in the position of being a single parent, with no money or stable housing.  They always say the grass is greener on the other side………  In case you are wondering – if the shoe was on the other foot and I was the pregnant one and my friend was in my position – I think she'd feel the same.  It feels like an early mid life crisis – the clock is ticking, and the options are running out.