Things have been going rather well for me for the most part. So why can I not be happy?

There’re several doubts and concerns that I’ll cover. Most of which I can’t control. I never seem to have control.

Number one? My job. I am trying so hard to survive there. To not let my anxiety get the best of me and keep driving me to call in when it feels like to much. I do believe I’ve narrowed down the issue, though. The politics of the place are making me somewhat a nervous wreck. Moreso once I spoke to a friend.

You see, I’m a temp at a factory. I applied for full time but was given the same tired excuse that my not having prior factory experience meant they couldn’t hire me on and that I needed to go through the temp agency. I was upset, but did exactly that. I’m over halfway through the 600 hours I need to complete to be eligible to try for full time again.

All of my tiny little dreams I’ve been nursing ride on me getting a fulltime position. ALL of them. Taking this job was a chance to secure something resembling a decent future for myself.

All of what I’ve said sounds incredibly positive, but it seems like the more I work there, the more I’m starting to see ugly little cracks in the veneer of that place.

I know of one person who has been successful in working as a temp and making fulltime. One. Only….one.

On top of that, a lady I befriended when I got there put in her hours and tried for the fulltime job, and didn’t get it.

Of course, you’re probably thinking, well something must’ve been wrong. Maybe she wasn’t a good fit.

Wrong. She is sincerely the one person I knew who went above and beyond to impress people. She did a stellar job at everything she tried and none of the higher ups ever have any complaints about her. She busts her behind in that place and constantly takes overtime and never makes a fuss. She is sincerely the epitome of a perfect employee.

….and still, she didn’t get the position. One of the most hard-working, optimistic people I’ve ever met didn’t make the cut.

How will I ever get this job? I sincerely don’t see it happening. I feel like no one likes me there, and that my work while passable is mediocre at best. How will I manage this if my friend who is so much better than me couldn’t?

It just shows me that for all the posturing they do at the information sessions when you apply that this place is much like any other. It all comes down to who you know and how liked you are. I don’t know anyone of note, and I’m pretty quiet. I’m not sure I’m all that liked by anyone. My supervisor in particular.

I’m scared to try for more when the time comes. I’m scared I’m not good enough and won’t make the cut. I’m almost certain I won’t.

It makes me feel like I’m wasting my time. I’m an eternal pessimist, though.

Number two? I had been living with my grandmother. I was hoping to make it easier on her but it seems as though my being here has just stressed her out and caused her anxiety. So she has asked me to leave. I am, no problem there. She seems to have changed though, in the time that I was away. She seems bitter. I was trying to help and she simply felt taken advantage of. I feel awful for making her feel this way.

Number three? In continuing with the last issue I paid for an apartment yesterday. I have yet to see the apartment I paid for and the people running the place don’t seem to have their affairs in order very well. They didn’t have the lease ready to sign. I wasn’t given the keys. Yet they were given $750 of my money. I’m a bit nervous. It isn’t a nice place, or really in a nice area. I was given a month to be out, though, and this is what I could afford. The application for the apartment was written on a piece of printer paper in blue ink pen. Hand-written. I’m hoping this isn’t a terrible mistake but it was either get a dodgy apartment or live out of my car. I opted for the former. I can always try and save up for something better, though.

Number four? I’m having weird feelings toward my partner and I’m trying to chalk it up to being depressed, overworked, and exhausted but I’m not certain. He doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me beyond sitting on opposite sides of the room and watching shows together. We sleep in the same bed. We barely speak.

I woke up today and stood at the kitchen sink doing dishes. The sun was peeking over the horizon. The grass is the brightest color of green I’ve ever seen. The birds are all singing happily. It was beautiful out there. Mesmerizing. I find myself unable to enjoy it. I hate that I can’t. The windows are thrown open and the breeze is fresh, and I am still fucking sad.