I’m depressed because I don’t know who I am. I’m struggling to find happiness, because I don’t know where to look for it. I’ve genuinely no idea what to do to please myself.
I think this is a common theme amongst borderlines. They have no strong sense of identity. Their real self was basically so invalidated by their parents that they have no idea of who they are.
Before I was born, my parents started drawing up a vast and comprehensive blueprint as to who I was going to be. This was revised several times as I grew a little older, but the theme remained the same. I was going to be the Golden Child – rich, successful, academically brilliant, physically attractive, a great dresser, musical, the best at everything, mature beyond my years, a people pleaser. Someone who would gain them huge social kudos and would make up for all their perceived failures in the world.
They drew up a catalogue of super-human demands that I was going to follow and they did their absolute best to get me to follow that to the letter. Ruled with a rod of iron, some physical and extreme emotional abuse. Not following the plan would not be tolerated and I would damn well appreciate their sacrifices in forcing me to do this.
The resounding message that came from them: “This was for my benefit!” (i.e. the ends justified any mean necessary to get me there).
They felt I was such a difficult child. Not appreciating their endeavours. They still do.
There are several major problems associated with this style of “parenting”:
  1. The super-human model of perfection they held me to was unobtainable, for anybody. I’m reasonably clever, but I am not an outright genius. I came in the top 5 in my year at school out of 200+ kids. The results could have got me in at almost any major University in the UK. My parents told me I was a failure. My father threw the result sheet at me and didn’t talk to me for nearly 2 weeks. This is just one of the list of expectations they held me to.
Result: I am never satisfied with anything I do. I feel everything I do is so substandardand it holds me back from trying almost anything. I believe I am a failure no matter what I do. So much fear when I do anything. I get so frightened.
  1. I was directly to blame for any gap between the perceived me and the real me. It was expected that these super human goals would be fairly routine for me to achieve and the only thing stopping me was my laziness, stubbornness or selfishness. Everything that didn’t go right was because my bad attributes got in the way.
Result: I inherently believe I am a really bad person, who is a huge burden to others.
  1. On the rare occasion when my achievements did come up to par, they were stolen from me and my parents celebrated “their” achievements. “Look at what he can achieve, when we really push him”. “Oh you get that from your mother”.“Oh that’s because we bought you that calculator”. I’ve never been sincerely praised, not even once, by my parents.
Result: I have chronically low self esteem.
  1. I lost myself almost completely. I had to bury myself, in favour of acting like a perfect child. I was sent to be a doctor and had to study physical sciences, when my highest result were in arts and more expressive subjects. I had a real passion for history, English, psychology. I used to read all about Hannibal and the Punic Wars, Alexander the Great, Napoleon. I used to study the social implications of World wars. Read philosophy, compare religions, psychology, etc…. Strange thing is I had to HIDE all my books on these, because my parents felt they were getting in the way of my studies. I was also heavily punished for doing these things that I cannot take an interest in them to this day.
Result: I have so many negative emotions attached to things I genuinely found interesting, that it is hard for me to do them.
  1. My real self received no nurturance. My parents would have liked to have killed the real me, if they could. So the idea of nurturing the real me, was ridiculous to them, since it was an obstacle to their plans for me.
Result: I have no strong idea of who I want to be, where I am going, what I want to do. I genuinely have no clue. I have no real identity.
6. I lost my formative years trying to follow their crazy blueprint. Had my life stolen from me. Never got friends, never had hobbies. What makes me most angry is it was sold so cheaply. All this misery so they can impress a few of their dick-head friends?!!?!?!? It’s absolutely ridiculous. Makes me so, so angry.
Most people I have met have a strong reason for living. A passion. Whether it is motorcycles, or family, or travelling. I don’t have anything. I am sitting here and cannot think of a single thing I actually want to do. I can tell you what I should be doing. I can tell you what is available to do. I can tell you the advantages and disadvantages of what I could do and discuss it at length. I just cannot think of anything I actually WANT to do. Really. It may sound weird, but I am totally lost.
How can I ever be happy, when I cannot find anything that makes me happy?
I need to discover myself……..but I’ve no clue how to go about it.
It’s just not fair….I have a lifetime of work to do on myself and I didn’t do anything wrong.
1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 13 years ago

    Child abuse at its worse. !

    0 kudos

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