Where is Rock Bottom?

When do i hit rock bottom? I have now been low for a long time, i have thought i have hit rock bottom but i can’t have. They say things get better and we find a way up after rock bottom. Losing out on my real Dad as child definateley not the bottom. Being mentally abused by my mum throughout my life was still not the bottom. Losing my friends to depression still not there yet. Being married and having a beautiful daughter then losing them due to my mental behaviour and anxiety was at the time nearly rock bottom. Spending a week on mental health wing and being discharged as they cant help me still apparently not rock bottom. Two failed hangings still no bottom, massive cocktail of steroids, painkillers, depressants,vodka and cocaine. Driving my car into a post at 90 mph to end my pain and still no death nor rock bottom. Finding the woman of my dreams and losing her to my mental health issues and behaviour felt like rock bottom and led to me walking out in front of a bus still no end. I sit here writing this appearing to be sorry for myself. I not overly sorry for myself as i am just sad and lonely sitting in my hostel room with no friends no family around me just memories of good and bad times which both increase my sadness. Ok i probably am sorry for myself but all i ask for is rock bottom or the taking of my life so my pain and misery is over. To all the people i haved now lost in my life i want to say sorry. So sorry mum i been a let down, Faye i hate what i did to you. Chel i messed up big time. Stuart sorry i wasn’t a good friend to you. Nicole i love you so much. Jamie i want to return your kindness you have shown me. And you Caroline you know what you mean to me and i hope you can forgive me for what i put you through. I’ll never love any one as much as do/did you. Any one i missed sorry just know i have been tortured mentally more than you could ever comprehend. So please please please let me find ROCK BOTTOM so i can ease my pain, hurt and regret.