First night here, "home". In my apartment for 4 currently only inhabited by me and a chinese girl named hannah who is just learning english. She is really nice, and brave for coming here, all by herself, and I hope I can be a friend to her.
I hope she doesn’t already think I’m a whore. He came over at night, he just left. He texted me as soon as I was at pitt, he came over to watch Thankyou for smoking, after a while, cuddling, I hadn’t seen him in almost a year, we ended up messing around in my bedroom. Hannah didn’t stay to watch the movie, I didnt mean things to be awkward.
I like him but I am also terrified of him because….of everything, of life of human nature, of my own bad luck regarding anyone reallly liking me friend or lover. He asked what I was doing tommorrow, I want to hang out with him….No I want more than that I want security I want a boyfriend. He is too good to be true, to cute, too popular, too smart/successful. He saw that I hadn’t had friends to live with, he didn’t act weird about it, but I was embarrassed. Noone wanted to live with me. He is too much and I am too little. Does he think I’m a whore for hooking up with him the first time we meet after 8 months of seperation? Is that just reserved for sex?
I haven’t spoken to any of my old friends in person, I txted them saying I would love to see them as soon as all the unpacking, organizing and cleaning was done. They said mostly that they weren’t at school yet. In the back of my mind I wonder if they are off partying with the friends that rejected me and don’t want me around. They’ve "spared" me the pain of knowing I wasn’t invited. I have to remember that I am worth something, even if i look like nothing.
I just want things to be okay. I want to be okay, and normal, and functining. This journey back to the real world is such a shocking one, a scary one. Who wants someone that has been rejected by all her friends?