“Who are u?”
“what do you mean?…I’m me.” I reply unable to make eye contact.
“No you left as you and now you’ve come back different…defective. You have relapsed.”
I stare sadly into my own mind as I argue these facts as well as I can. “I am alone this is how I am I deal with things my own way” I reply.
“No shanna this is a dangerous game you play and you know that this game will only end one way. I begged you not to go there. I begged because I cannot fix you and you will not be able to fix yourself now.”
I begin to tear up…not cry, not sob but simply tear and the warm salty substance runs down my cheeks. I know my mind is telling me the truth although I argue with all my might. I let a man ruin me. I trusted and was once again left in the same cold place.
“Don’t do that, you need to feel, you need to cry, you need to let things out not dig as deeply into your skin as possible simply to hide the pain and continue to lie to yourself.”
Yes my mind is right but its not that simple I have broken and don’t want to be mended there is no point. There is no point in recovery, no point in continueing life as the same person. Its time to recede into dark depths and no longer care. No longer be passionate about things, no longer be me. Me is too kind and caring. Its weakness. Its time to stop feeling. Go numb, go cold and disappear completely.
Its time to stop forgiving and stop trusting. It is time to realize that people in this world are mostly dead to good intentions.
“where are you going now shanna? Comeback I cannot unlock what you lock behind you. I cannot follow and I cannot guide you through this if you insist on hiding in the dark alone. Please don’t go there again, don’t stay there. Don’t leave all your thoughts and feelings behind.”
I turn around before I enter the darkness ready to hurt immensely until emotional numbness takes over. “Silly mind of mine it is far too late for that. I’ve gone. I let a man deceive me and throw me back into the pit of wolves. I will not fight this time there is no point in coming back.”
