Wow… It’s really been that long. I hapilly report that having gone “no contact” gave me the chance to separate both physically & psychically, from my family of origin (FOO), and I have regained a sense of purpose and direction. It was hard. I cried and grieved, and so did my parents. In November, I had a motorcycleaccident that led me to communicating with Mom again and she surprised me with having learned and realized a few things I needed her to, to have healthier prescence in each other’s lives. Now we can be around each other, hang every once in a while, but still feel like separate human beings, respecting our own journeys and emotional privacy space. It’s great!
I have begun seeing a new therapist, too, once weekly, at a Mental Health center where I live. I still communicate with my Main T and hope to keep seeing her if at least once a month. I just really can’t afford her right now. I was lucky. This new therapist is not too bad and she cares a lot. She really emphasizes the fact that I am worthy and deserve to meet my needs and follow my desires.
I have NOT re-communicated with my Dad. In fact, my little sister is getting married on March 5, and I have yet to talk to him. The role reversal is still a very real danger in these situations because the adult children have literally had to speak with ourparents and tell them to behave. Lol. My sis wants me to do that one on one with Dad, because she doesn’t want her wedding to be the grounds for our first encounter since we went “no contact”, which I understand (She’s had a long and tiresome history of having major life events, that should have been focused on her, be interrupted by unnecessary parental drama)but I have literally been using all of my sessions to preapare and last Wednesday I had a panic attack that was ER worthy. For the 1st time in a loooooong time I needed ativan to calm down. It’s just all been too much. I have tried my best.
I want to make her happy but I don’t think facing Dad, one on one is a good idea. It’s like settimng myself up for abuse, to appease him and her and it doesn’t seem wise or fair.At least, in the wedding, I know I’ll be safer because my father willbe surrounded and pressured by his M.O. of wanting to present a good face, in public. I’m brainstorming now, with my other sisterand Mom (which, btw, family cooperation in an emotional issue of this magnitude is unexpected, for me, and awesome!) to see if we can come to a healthy, do-able solution that works for everyone, without exposing myself to more verbal and psychological abuse. This shows me that my waves of doing things diffrently has also motivated change on their part, a thing I prepared myself to not expect but seeing it now is just beyond what I could have ever imagined. I have hope.
In the meanwhile I live in a transitional housing facility, in my town. It’s been a wild-ass crazy ride and has taught me a LOT! It’s been both good and not so much, for me. The program it’s part ofhas potential, with the tools at their disposal, but the staff and facility allows way too many a dangerous and sueable situations to occur and I’m done not feeling safe where I live. I’m looking for an apartement. I’m very done with halfway living.I have a friend who’s even willing to pay most of the new place’s rentwhile I contribute about a $100 monthly and then half, after I get a job.
For the first time in YEARS, I finally feel confident enough to break out of the system and take care of myself. This is HUGE! It’s amazing what you can do when you believe in your inherent goodness.
Speaking of, I have found great solace in going to a Shambhala Buddisht center that also hosts something called “Heart of Recovery” meetings. Non-12 Steps but more open. Sometimes the two modalities might intertwine but it basically focuses more on recovering from anything by believing in your inherent goodness and ability to be present, even in the most difficult of circumstances, through the use of mindfulness and breathing. I can’t say how much that’s helped me at this point. I’ve made some young and like-minded friends and even got people from my recovery community to try it out and find they love it!
I began Yoga and had therapy for a while with someone who taught me to re-connect back to my body, which is something I had been missing for all too long. I have toadmit, I haven’t done it in a while, but I have decided that one of my requirements for my next living space is a Yoga/Meditation corner with a mat,a cushion/chair and peacealtar. Oh, did I meantion I get to have my cat back after I move? I simply cannot wait to have my baby back! I wanna certify her, as an official companion pet under the ADA, for my Depression. That way, no matter what happens, they can’t discrimnate against me having her, anywhere I live.
I cannot go back to living in my old friend’s living room. If it was up to him, he’d let me but, unfortunately, there was an incident with a drunk neighbor who I had to call police on, cause he raided the place while my friend was in Morrocco and had one of the keys to our door. He threatened me and my cat and said all sort of cruel things after he had treated me a whole different way before. I had to step in and get help and he obviosuly didn’t like that so now he’s basically made sure to smear my name with everyone in the apartment complex so I can’t comfortably return without risk or drama or endangering my friend’s residentialstatus. My friend is still housing my cat though, until I can get her back. I’m SO grateful to him.
So yeah, it’s been WILD! On the good side of things, I am finally pursuing getting involved in the art scene here. Went to a couple of gallery showings and activities and got cards, numbers and all sorts of useful information. My goal is to now, move, have a safe place to live in, and move forward to making my dreams come true, unapollogetically! That and of course, short-term wise, figure out what to do about Dad and opening the “no contact” for the limited time of my sister’s wedding. We’ll see. I’ll keep ya’ll updated.
How are you guys doing? What’s new? Message me some time. ;)! Alex.