My life, has been one hell of a roller coaster. Been having a lot of thoughts from my past, and it’s obviously effecting me in a negative way. But one of the biggest things I’ve been thinking recently are my past relationships. So far I’ve only had two, but each of them hold a special place in my heart. And, they’re both painful to look at….
The very first relationship I was in was with a girl named…. let’s call her “Ann”. Ann was such a good supporter for me in my life, having been there for when my Dad attempted suicide (but failed) and some of my mental state. However, there was an incident where I was angry at her sister, and was trying to stand up for Ann. But Ann only saw it as a fearful way of seeing me as… some sort of monster. Now granted I wasn’t on any meds back then, meds that today would’ve helped me gain control of myself and my depression real quick. But again, back then, my meds weren’t even in my life yet. And I still feel like it was my fault that our relationship was broken apart.
The next girl was…let’s call her…. Haley. She WAS someone who suffered from depression like I was, and, again, was a support for me in my life. But what ended up happening was that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to, so she said that we’ll try it out, see how it goes, and if we’re not comfortable with it, we’ll still remain friends and it’ll be a learning experience. Simple right? Well that promise was broken. And I felt like I was being used by her. Used for her own gain in a way. Not to mention she wanted to turn into a boy. Which when she said she wanted me to refer to her as a “boyfriend” I felt extremely uncomfortable with it. As someone who is straight (and I’ll leave it at that) it was a weird thing when she said that she broke up because of two reasons. 1. I wouldn’t call her a boyfriend, even though she knew I felt uncomfortable with it. And 2. She wanted me to plan for my future. Now, we were two classes apart during our relationship, me being a sophomore and her being a senior in high school. And I wasn’t (and still am not) ready to look into my future. I want to focus on the here and now because that’s where we live in.
And with these past relationships, they’ve always felt like I’ve been betrayed or left behind, or overall just felt like it ended because of me. Now I look back and think while I could’ve handled some situations better, it doesn’t feel like it was entirely my fault. Rather, it was a little from both sides. And I see so many people on here going through break-ups and maybe even finding someone to relate to, but for me, I honestly don’t know who to trust anymore.
I don’t want to be left behind and betrayed. Now is it gonna happen no matter what I say? Yeah probably. But again, that’s what I really don’t like about myself, I can’t seem to care for others as much because I overall feel like I’m a waste of space, or that the friendship will be over no matter what I do. It sucks because it always feels like no one cares or that no one wants to even bother with me. And that feeling makes me hate myself so much…..
I’ve been a shut in for almost 4 years now. Not wanting to interact with anyone. Wanting to die alone. And a feeling of being stuck in the depths….
I hate myself so much. And I have no one to blame but myself….