……On an OCD board, the "your mood" section of blog entries really should be more colorful. I'd like to see "Manic, suicidal, paranoid, rageful, and Euphoric" added to the list. TribeMod, can you get on that? 🙂

So Luvox turned me into a complete asshle, time to stop with the luvox. It's really ironic… 150mg wasn't working, so UP we go. Got up to 300mg, built up a nice reserve in my body, a week or two later I was awake all the time… I mean AWAKE, and talking, lots, and fast….. Opinionated about EVERYTHING, thoughts were flying out of my head so fast it felt like it wasn't even me talking yet I was saying things that I'd never normally say….. Sorta like that time I drank redbull and vodka all night… but it lasted a month. Motherfcker….

Take more luvox because of the obsessions/compulsions, then back off the luvox because of borderline mania with a touch of suicidal musings and the best part, worse compulsions. I've been talking about luvox and it's paradoxical effect on me for about a month now, I probably should have stopped taking it then…. But, the thoughts calmed down, I was thinking clearly, I was enjoying it… I could focus at work, I could read on my commute… The fact that I count diffrent size floor tiles in the mall was just a side effect.. Then I started avoiding parts of my house; and knives; and pulling hairs out…. But hey, at least I wasn't seeing my son being hit and killed by a car inside my noggin… Phew, at least I've got THAT.

So, back down we go. I'm at 200mg now, on the way down to zero, slowly to avoid discontinuation syndrome…. The ativan has since been replaced with Klonopin; maybe that'll calm me. If not there's always a dart gun loaded with proheptazine….

Keep in mind, luvox is where I started my treatment, 20yrs ago. If history does repeat itself, I'll now go down the road of every SSRI, SNRI, TCA and Benzo on the list….. then back to luvox. I love this. Nothing like feeling like a total failure to sht all over your day. I had a chat with my doctor and his opinion is I do not need the hospital (thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words after *that* post last week; it meant a lot). I can't say whether or not I agree. Left on my own, I downplay my concerns for my wellbeing to the doctor. There's that part of me wishing he'd say "get to the hospital NOW" so that I could say he told me to as opposed to my thinking I'm just fcking nuts. Kinda like the night when I was questioned by the cop as to why I was pulled to the side of the road at 2am in the midst of an OCD rage.. I wanted him to take me away but the rational part of me was able to lie just enough where he told me to go home… (actually he said, "go home… next time, go to Wawa and get a coffee"… WTF is with wawa? Is he a shareholder in said convenience store?)

But I digress, I'm not about to wallow…. it is what it is, I actually am chuckling at the irony of it all. Maybe just the compulsion of doing Luvox, then, paxil, prozac, zoloft, buspar, anafranil, xanax, ativan, Klonopin then back to the beginning will be a compulsion that helps cure me in itself. who knows. Wouldn't *that* be a laugh?

-Bill