There is something I have never really discussed before, but it's always been on my mind for years. It acts as a nagging little thing to me, but it is causing me a lot of stress lately. I need some guidance, someone to really give me some words about this. This is incredibly personal.


Lately I've been trying to meet girls, and I do really just okay. I'm not sure, but some things have happened to cause me some serious stress. Serious rumination. So, I want to talk about that before I talk about my "nagging issue." I met a girl online (I do online dating stuff). She really pushed forward everything, petnames, etc. She was very cute, my height 5'5", a bit bigger but no problem I think that's attractive so all good. She asks me out first before I get the chance. We do the date, give her some flowers, goes well, we kiss, and before we leave/part ways, she kisses me for a crazzyyy long time. Like french kissing. After that, I heard from her once in a super garbled text. Since then I've been very nervous regarding girls, constantly "should I text, call, answer back yet, send this?" and I'm ruminating like crazy. That never happened before. Problem is, it's leading me to question what pushed it. I wonder if she isn't into the fact there was a size differential (her being bigger, me a lot smaller, me being 120 and 5'5", etc.).


Cue to now and I met another girl. She's a sweetheart, she's not much of a text first type, and that makes me super nervous. Not only this, I'm just ruminating with madness. I feel crazy. But, I'm hitting the realization of that I'm 22 and there is an expectation of what 22 year old guys should have experience in, and I don't. That nagging, and it makes me sick. I'm a virgin. I've had a bunch of girlfriends, but I've never felt comfortable with any of them, or loved them. And, without dissing any one, statistically speaking, any woman I meet is very likely to be way more experienced than I when it comes to going all the way. I feel like how I made myself to be in this regard is hurting me. I'm not religious. and I'm scared my OCD is holding me back, like if I do it I'll be tainted. Or how do I know it's right? Like, if I do it, maybe I'll just ruminate and forever it'll be "wrong one wrong one."


I need this discssion. I don't know how to bring this up with people. I've told girls before, and some don't care. Some totally do. But I need to talk about my deepseated issue.

  1. supervamp1 6 years ago

    Ocd is such a pain. It forces such loneliness. It causes us to believe that we are incapable of finding happiness in life and love. Maybe, it's true. Perhaps, not. Living in our heads, it seems to me, is horribly responsible for our inability to find the real emotions that others feel so easily. Yes, seratonin levels are deficient…blah, blah, blah. We already know this. But long years of suffering under this disorder can seem turn the evenness of true sanity–which is subjective–on its head. I only say this, because your inability to be comfortable with your girlfriends could eventually lead to habitual alienation. I, too, suffer from this. I haven't had a girlfriend, since 2001. Maybe, 9/11 had something to do with it. I really couldn't say. I just fell out of the practice of being able to feel romantic love; and I've yet to try and find my way back. Now, about feeling tainted. I totally get it. Those bodily fluids. In a compulsive mind, such things can be waking nightmares. The fear. What a bitch. But you are still young enough to turn things around. Going back to the seratonin issue. Being a virgin, you have never experienced the kind of closeness (perhaps, even oneness) from coitus that could actually make you burst with euphoria. It's chemical, sure. But what is not? And euphoria is a major seratonin booster. Nothing feels like happiness, like happiness. I'm contemplating getting back on that metaphorical horse, again, myself. (Though, who knows how that might work out. It has been so long, I'm sure my trying to date would only make me look like a freak to any woman subjected to my ridiculous existence.) Being 22, though? Just don't let the internal terrorism that is ocd to keep you from allowing yourself to know the pleasure of sex. And experience is not really an issue. There is only one way to get to Carnegie Hall…practice. But in sex, however, it seems like the best way to learn how to practice is to, first, fake it. Not easy. That's granted. But if you have never felt love for a girl, or woman, maybe, the capacity for sociopathic behavior is lying dormant, somewhere inside. (Not trying to cause you further worry. But if so, you may just have the knack for faking the skills to obtain what you want, without realizing it.) This–faking your studliness–could quite likely be the path to finding yourself in the position to overcome some of these anxieties. Study some porn, and then, dial it back a notch, or two. My best advice (for I am capable of learning from my own failures) is to keep your unease to yourself. Watch your body-language. Feign confidence. It may lead to actual feelings of capability, once things start moving forward. And perhaps, engaging in this most natural of human instincts could be just what the doctor ordered. You just have to allow yourself to experience it…difficult as it may be. If you can find it within yourself to face your fear, just remember to wear that raincoat, keep telling yourself that it is a rite of passage, and if she wants to stay over that first time, make up an excuse for why she can't. You will want that alone-time for contemplation and uncontrollable smiling. Just make sure to call her the next day, if you want to continue seeing her. I hope my insane ranting is of some minimal help.



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  2. Catoptromancy 6 years ago

    Hey there, doll.  Been a while.  I can totally help, I think, with this issue and you know…if you would rather have the conversation on Skype, we can, however, I’ll leave some feedback here that hopefully helps out.


    I have dated people from the online world, as well.  Like dating somebody you met at a bar or a bookstore or a convention or work…it can be very difficult to know what you’re really getting into because the face somebody puts on for the outside world is not necessarily the same person they are on the inside/with more intimate acquaintances.  There is no right or wrong way to date.


    On the subject of the first girl that really pushed stuff…the simple fact is…we do not know, right?  I’m going to suggest that maybe she pushed it because she’s young (I assume you’re dating girls around your age), possibly insecure about her looks (many girls of all ages are and if you factor in media…well…if she was a bigger girl she might very much crave affirmation that she is desirable), she might have been inexperienced and felt she rushed things, or she might have some difficulty knowing what to say after all that.  She also might have some serious issues of her own that have nothing to do with you.  I don’t know–you mentioned a garbled text.  You can’t be sure she doesn’t have addiction issues.  Whether somebody responds back for a second date or not isn’t necessarily a fault of yours or any fault on anybody.  That is over.  Yes, you’re right.  There are a million reasons she might not have gotten back with you and they might be the reasons you’re ruminating on or they might not.  You can choose to ask (and you do not know you will get the unvarnished truth from her) or you can choose to pull a Queen Elsa and let it go.  From experience, I think both routes are great, however, realize…you will never have a 100% answer and in the long run?  It’s better to just let it go.  Sometimes you never get closure with dating…one of the many risks of dating, yes?  Not a big deal despite feeling sometimes like it is.  You have to be ok with YOU…not ok with her.


    As to the second girl…listen.  So she’s not a big texter.  Neither am I.  It doesn’t mean I do not absolutely adore the person that texts me or I’m not interested in responding in some way.  I really just don’t like texting.  It can take way more time than talking, is not a particularly good medium to express feelings (you can’t see the person’s face while talking or hear their voice to gauge emotion).  So she doesn’t text first.  Maybe she has much of the same nervousness you do.  It can be difficult to know how often to text or call somebody and it’s worth sitting down for a conversation about.  You can never go wrong with having a talk about what you both want.  I sometimes don’t text people back if I feel the text doesn’t require an answer or if I get busy.  Sometimes, I don’t think to text a person first because other stuff is going on.  Sometimes, I prefer to call.  Sometimes, I am more focused on something else that requires my attention.  Sometimes, I need rest.  It could be anything, but it does not mean she does not like you.


    On to the next subject.  You’ve waited for whatever reason.  For some unbelievably weird thing I do not understand, people feel that if you wait you need to have a religious ground for it.  How about self-respect, STDs, wanting it to be special/meaningful, or not feeling ready for that level of intimacy?  Age is a number…not a gauge of where you should be at in your life (something you really need to get jiggy with as you age).  I know plenty of people who are older than you who waited longer than you because they didn’t connect with anybody (or had other reasons).  I also know plenty of people who had sex really early for a variety of reasons.  Nobody is right on the issue.  It’s an individual thing.  What’s right for you is entirely unique/separate from what is right for other people.  What I do know is that you cannot live your life by the expectations of what a guy your age should have experience in or you’re going to feel like a failure your entire life…because you’re looking to other people to decide what is the norm…and if you don’t fall into that neat little box…how are you going to feel about yourself?  My guess is pretty lousy.  The reason the world is such an interesting place is because there is diversity.  Do you really want to be just like everybody else?  Do you think a girl wants a guy that is a cookie cutter, text book stereotype of a guy your age?  What do you want with a girl who WOULD want that?  What would she want and expect from YOU in the future?  Living up to other people’s expectations is ridiculous.  You’re not here to please a population…you’re here to be pleased with the person you are yourself.  If YOU like you…run with it.  If you don’t…that’s a way bigger problem than your sexual experience level.


    Something else.  You’re creating a stereotype for women…and I know you.  I’ve never seen you claim to want a stereotype.  This is not me saying you have not taken adequate time to do your statistical research, however…let’s say you’re right.  Let’s say most women are way more experienced than you are sexually.  Anybody can have sex.  Are they as experienced as you are emotionally?  NOT everybody can say they are.  That’s a far more difficult question to answer and it’s much more important, over all, if you are looking for a lasting, stable relationship to be in.


    And here is another answer that is, again, individual.  I don’t know if your OCD is holding you back.  On some level you can answer that yourself…and on another level…you cannot.  What you know of your subconscious mind is subject to change and may be entirely different than what you know of your conscious mind.  In short…OCD can be one of MANY things “holding you back” (a term you might want to think about…because is it really holding you back?  I mean, technically, there is likely more than one reason you have not gone ahead and slept with somebody and to chalk it up to one thing…and say it’s holding you back…well…have you ever considered that your wait may turn out to be a good thing?  Holding you back is automatically a negative way of phrasing it).


    Next subject.  How do you know it’s the right girl.  There is no right answer to that, either.  And I would love to tell you the minute you meet her you will just know.  That it will click for you.  It might.  It’s more likely, however, that it will remain a nebulous thing.  I know love is important to you…so if you haven’t been in love with the girls you’ve dated…you’ve made the right decision for yourself.  I also know if you’re not comfortable enough with somebody to have sex…you’ve also made the right decision for yourself.  Now for the truth that you’re probably not going to like.  We rarely stay with our first partner (that is spoken without statistics and perhaps I’m wrong…maybe you want the statistical answer).  And in an ideal world…yes…your first sexual encounter with a woman would be everything you always hoped it would be and be special/something you will always treasure.  Here’s the thing, though…if you go through a break-up with that person there is a chance you might look at that person in a totally different light and what was special at the time will wind up being not as special as you thought when you did it.  Falling in love and having sex is rarely, if ever, everything you think it will be.  And I say this from experience…because I thought I was really in love when I did it the first time and later…we went through a break-up that put this person in a totally different light in my eyes.  I’m not saying this person actually was any different…I’m saying…little flaws that you can ignore when you’re in love become big flaws when you’re having a break-up.  And things you wanted this person to be/thought they were do not exactly jive with what you learn about them as the relationship goes on (because you are always learning about your partner in a relationship).  Be prepared for it to not go as planned or for your feelings to shift later on.  Does it change the experience?  Well, sure, in some ways.  It doesn’t change the facts of how it went down (“we were in the Bahamas and we kissed for an hour before we actually had sex” etc.)…it can change the emotions surrounding it, though.  Like, you might think, it was not as wonderful as you did at the time.  Does that make the girl the wrong one forever?  Well, maybe.  However, you can’t spend your entire life focused on the, potentially, first girl you ever slept with.  That is unfair to you and unfair to the partners you wind up having in the future.  This isn’t making an omelette.  This is, for you, a complex emotional thing.  And I say for you because there are people out there who have sex just because they feel like it.  Not your style.  Seriously…when you are eighty…are you going to be looking at your potential wife that you’ve raised kids with thinking about the first girl you ever had sex with and how she was the wrong one?  Shouldn’t your thoughts be on…I finally found the right one?  It doesn’t matter who’s first…it isn’t NASCAR.  It matters who lasts.  Also?  You need a sense of humor when you have a sex life…because when you DO become comfortable with somebody…sex should not be like climbing Mount Everest.  It should be relaxed (not devoid of passion, just…you should have the ability to laugh if your forehead knocks into hers).  You should both be able to giggle.  That is the best advice I have.


    Also, as you get older, your idea on who’s right and who’s wrong may change.  So the girl that was right for you at twenty-two may not be the girl that’s right for you at forty.  And that’s ok.  Also…yes…some girls care about experience (for a variety of reasons) and some don’t.  If a girl loves YOU for the YOU that you are now…she’s going to deal with it, whether she cares about experience or not.  So…does experience count?  Like everything else…that’s a two-sided answer.  On some levels…sure…if you’re less experienced, having somebody with more experience can mean you have kind of a guide which can be nice.  Except…while they may have had tons of partners and tons of experience…there’s only one you.  And sex is very individual…which means, even if that person has brought everybody else they have slept with to orgasm…it does not mean they’ll be able to bring you to orgasm.  Again, this is why communication is so important…because sometimes you really have to communicate to another person what you love and what is turning you on.  They will appreciate it, likely, no matter how much experience they have.  In some ways, experience does not matter one bit because, as I’ve said, it’s an individual experience and the best sex you may ever have might be with somebody who has had very few partners or no partners…because for whatever reason they manage to turn you on physically and emotionally.  Smart people?  Do not see a person for their experience, but for their potential…and if somebody can give you a simple yes or no answer about experience…they probably do not have the experience to be providing a proper answer themselves (again, that is opinion…because you will always find people who are just in it for one reason or multiple reasons that have nothing to do with the longevity of a relationship and everything to do with their own ability to get off…and I still think if they believe they can get everybody off or they expect everybody else to be able to get them off they are lacking life experience).  That is for you to decide yourself.  Does experience matter to you?  Because you might meet the sweetest girl in the world who did some things she’s not proud of now…and she might have a ton of experience…except…that experience does not define her ability to last in a relationship.  Likewise for a girl with fewer experiences.  People change over time and how people lived their lives when they were younger does not necessarily mean they will want to live their lives like that when they are older.  Or have the same beliefs they used to hold about topics like this.  It’s a complicated world.  Anybody ever tell you that you worry too much? lol  Nah, hon, seriously…I think we can have a very thorough conversation about this on Skype if I have missed anything and you know I am very candid.  I hope you feel better and this helped out some.  Take care of you.

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