There is something I have never really discussed before, but it's always been on my mind for years. It acts as a nagging little thing to me, but it is causing me a lot of stress lately. I need some guidance, someone to really give me some words about this. This is incredibly personal.
Lately I've been trying to meet girls, and I do really just okay. I'm not sure, but some things have happened to cause me some serious stress. Serious rumination. So, I want to talk about that before I talk about my "nagging issue." I met a girl online (I do online dating stuff). She really pushed forward everything, petnames, etc. She was very cute, my height 5'5", a bit bigger but no problem I think that's attractive so all good. She asks me out first before I get the chance. We do the date, give her some flowers, goes well, we kiss, and before we leave/part ways, she kisses me for a crazzyyy long time. Like french kissing. After that, I heard from her once in a super garbled text. Since then I've been very nervous regarding girls, constantly "should I text, call, answer back yet, send this?" and I'm ruminating like crazy. That never happened before. Problem is, it's leading me to question what pushed it. I wonder if she isn't into the fact there was a size differential (her being bigger, me a lot smaller, me being 120 and 5'5", etc.).
Cue to now and I met another girl. She's a sweetheart, she's not much of a text first type, and that makes me super nervous. Not only this, I'm just ruminating with madness. I feel crazy. But, I'm hitting the realization of that I'm 22 and there is an expectation of what 22 year old guys should have experience in, and I don't. That nagging, and it makes me sick. I'm a virgin. I've had a bunch of girlfriends, but I've never felt comfortable with any of them, or loved them. And, without dissing any one, statistically speaking, any woman I meet is very likely to be way more experienced than I when it comes to going all the way. I feel like how I made myself to be in this regard is hurting me. I'm not religious. and I'm scared my OCD is holding me back, like if I do it I'll be tainted. Or how do I know it's right? Like, if I do it, maybe I'll just ruminate and forever it'll be "wrong one wrong one."
I need this discssion. I don't know how to bring this up with people. I've told girls before, and some don't care. Some totally do. But I need to talk about my deepseated issue.