I joined this forum form a hotline and it’s a long story. I have not been to therapy, it scares me and I am scared that I am too messed up. Through my childhood I thought my life was normal and never heard of emotional abuse. From a early age I was told children should be seen and not heard. I was so mature for my age and I started having panic attacks. I won an art award and was so happy until the 2hr trip was filled with my dad saying how it was a bogus award and I only got it because I drew an angel. I could deal with that but we got there and my teacher that didn’t even need to be there was with flowers. I bust out crying and no one knows why. Later that week my dad was happy to take a 3hr drive to get pot… But I had a roof and a bed and I was not hit so it kept going. One time I had the only key to the house and was made sure I kept it in my lunchbox which I did but one morning my mom didn’t see it and my dad woke up. Promise me I never leave the house and I would clean the whole house and just screamed for an hour while I looked everywhere for it. The key was in the lunchbox pocket. I didn’t get an apology and the neighbors took care to act like they didn’t hear. I got called in to counciling and they asked if I was being abused. Again I said they never hit me and I have a roof and everything. So nothing come of it but a day came where I left my lunch at home and a spent idk how long not being able to breath when a neighbor help break into my house. By time I was 13 I was done I had a plan to end everything but when I came home my mom said she was pregnant… So I took the night to yell and scream and curse everything I could but I kept alive for my sibling. My father passed before I could move out so I took on all the driving and helping with house. I thought things would be different without him. I have plenty of other stories of my childhood but I thought it was just dad. We moved away of what we knew and it looked good until my mother started “dating” again. Now there was some nice people but she keeps going to this guy that we first only knew as poptart. I started noticing the smell of pot and try to talk. Nothing. I see my sibling crying and she be in her room with this guy. I try screaming at her, I try texting her. She would just quietly sniffle, do dishes then 2days later be doing the same thing. It came to my sibling 16 birthday in which my mother scheduled her shot on the day then was too tired to celebrate. I took my sibling out to try and cheer them up and came back to our mother hanging out with Poptart. I sent her a long text and she sniffled. The next day I get a text saying my sibling stayed home not feeling good but our mother was hanging out with him. I flipped out, I called our grandma because I thought I would kill her and after a long talk I thought something come of it. I even tried getting an rv to move away but if I can afford it, it is broken or a scam. No matter what I do he still comes around, my sibling is scared the pot smoke will leave scent on them and they have drug dogs come into their school. At this point I have nothing that brings me happiness, and so much that hurts I told my mom it’s me or Poptart as nd she said him and they are just friends. Why she give birth to me if all she wants is drugs. I look to go somewhere but I have nowhere. I have never felt more alone.