i'm only 20 and my life is ruined. over a month ago me and my boyfriend tried to kill ourselves. he did one night. his family blamed me and then i freaked out and tried to 3 days later. we were romeo and juliet. my mother sent me to a treatment center for my depression and eating disorder and cutting for 6 weeks. i got out on Christmas Eve. my boyfriend is not supposed to talk to me and keeps telling me to find someone better than him because he doesn't want to drag me down. he is getting kicked out of his house and i can't even offer him a place to stay because my mom doesn't think it'd be good for me. he lives in texas and i live in nevada so there is nothing i can do. i will prolly never be able to be with the love of my life again. i want to know why my mother brought me back. why the hell did she take me to the er? what exactly did she think she was bringing me back for? what the hell do i have to look forward to? i just don't care anymore. i'm done with everything. i hate being in vegas. i have no friends here and know nobody. i hate being away from my boyfriend who i don't even know what our relationship to each other is anymore but i can't bear to say we are just friends. i still hate my life. treatment didn't help in hating my life or making me happy or giving me a reason to care anymore. i burned out 6 years ago and nothing can relight my flame. i don't even think i want it relit. i'm just done. i've been done. i can't even tell any of this to my boyfriend for fear he will leave me, if he doesn't already. i'm supposed to be better. be healthy. and it's not like i can tell my family. if i mess up and cut or purge they are gonna call 911 and send me back to treatment or kick me out. i don't want treatment. i don't want help. i want nothing more than to burn out with boyfriend. i want it to be over already. there is nothing in this life for me. everything that could have been good turned sour and rotted. i'm insanely stressed out and waiting for my boyfriend to contact me. since i am not allowed to cut or purge i have no stress reliver. i don't understand why i can't. it's my body. i should be allowed to do what i want to it. it infuriates me when people tell me how to live my life… especially when they are making me live it…

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