I don't understand why I continuously do this to myself. If I am not harming myself in one way it is in another. Thursday I did not eat any food so Friday I had very low blood sugar and could not get it to go up. The docs told me to not take my meds but I did anyway. As a matter of fact I took more than I should of one specific kind and the next day my blood sugars went through the roof. They were so high i was sicker than a dog. Now today again I am not supposed to be taking my medications and I did because I am trying to eliminate which ones are the right ones maybe? I don't know but It has been up and down. I have had to force myself to eat. I don't want to. This whole living life thing gets so hard every day. The parts inside of me who are fighting with me and the parts that fight against me have created a war that i want out of. I am not eating right. Taking my pills right. What is wrong with me? Why can't I get compliant. Why wont all parts of me be compliant??

My children are supposed to be coming back to me on August 2. I am really excited and completely horrified. I don't think i'm ready and I know what I will do. One of two things will happen. Most likely this:

I will get them ready for school and become a barely functioning mom but doing just enough to look like I am right there for them. I will go back to school and tough it out as a student and work my ass off in class to obtain the highest standard, not for myself but to please that man who is lying in a grave for 24 years. If I don't accomplish it I will brake down and have to be put back in the hospital over break, or I will finally get  the job done. Or I could possibly not be able to function at all and when the kids get here still be as unstable as I am now. What am I going to do. Cause right now I want to swallow a whole bunch of pills and end my life.

Im scared to be a mom to my kids??? I have never been afraid before.!!!!

I really don't know what to do.!!! Help