So tonight was supposed to be our big "last night" without contraception. I'm going to have my iud out on wed and that takes away our "back up" contraceptive – just condoms from now on. But somehow we got into a big discussion about babies and how big of a risk it is to have sex with just one form of contraception. He made it clear that he is not ready to have a baby and that his whole life plan would change if he did. I feel the same way. For some reason, just a condom isn't good enough for him, he feels it is a huge risk to only have one thing between us and kids.
I have been messing around with my hormones since I was 15 and now that I'm depressed I want my body to be clear of all that shit. I want to do this huge massive thing for ME and no one else, and now I feel guilty for it. Why should I be the one providing back up anyway?
So obviously I got upset and cold when he talked to me about how he feels, I dont think he meant to make me feel bad. Now all of a sudden he says he needs to sensor what he talks to me about because of how I'll react. I understand that if he wants to go overseas for work in a year or so and he doesn't want to tell me coz of my emotional state – that's fine, but not wanting to tell me about this crap about "it's such a huge risk now because we don't have a back up anymore"? How does he think I'm going to react? So suddenly I've become unattractive to him in my mind because he sees a baby when he looks at me, a life changing (ruining??) baby. It's not exactly easy to feel attractive when I'm depressed in the first place, cheers for just adding another reason to feel unwanted.
He says he understands why I'm upset. I believe him. Doesn't change the fact that I don't feel good enough to take that risk with. I'm taking just as much of a risk, I would be sacraficing WAY more than him, my body, my emotions, my time, my career dreams too.
So it was nice knowing you sex, but I'm afraid I won't be seeing you for a long time. So much for epic sex tonight.