I'm feeling considerably better than I did yesterday. Went to WW this morning and got 5 lb star. I feel…impressed I guess. I still listen to the message the member sent me. It really makes me feel loved, something I don't feel very often. Hugs, at least in my world, don't always mean much. They are just a greeting, at least that's how they feel to me. When I go over to a relative's house, a hello and a hug are automatically given. When my aunt, K, hugs me, I do feel the love. Not sure why…I guess maybe she hugs with purpose and not just routine.
It's hard to describe what the message from the DT member makes me feel…comfort, a sense of security I guess. Like an older sibling I don't have lol I laugh because…well I don't want to give away who this member is. And I feel if I describe the message, I'll do just that.
I'm so used to being the older sis but I don't recall my brother ever looking to me for strenth or anything. He's always been happy, strong and outgoing. Why would he look up to a sister who suffers from depression and anxiety? Why would he look up to a sister who is sad and down most of the time? I know I'm putting myself down but these are the thoughts that run through my head. Almost without…conprehension.
As I continue to blog, my feelings change…maybe they always do or maybe I'm just aware of it for the moment. I feel like I let my brother down…I feel like I am not a good role model for him. He deserves a better sister…one he can be proud of…nevermind….I lost the spark that had me starting this blog. Darn that was fast 🙁