So tired of having to struggle so much every single day just getting up in the morning can be almost impossible some days depending how I am feeling & slept the night before!!! Today has been a really bad day their have been no little rays of sunshine not even my nap brought me any kind of relief because as usual woke up sweating from the dreams i had. Wish I could just float through life for a little while no responsibilities or people to deal with just for a few days would be a huge relief! It feels like i am invisible :(. I am dead inside!!!!!!!! All I am managing to do is the bare minimum right now even getting a shower can become overwhelming…I hate the silence & the aloneness of it! As long as I am with people I can pretend & keep it together but put me somewhere by myself & I can't stop those thoughts from getting through. I am like a stone cold & hard!!!!!! I have Not cried in a good 8 weeks at least maybe more I stopped keeping track a while ago. Horrible things can happen to me & I could give you a smile it would be fake but still I could pretend to be fine & most people would Never be able to guess all the things I am having to deal with on a daily basis…many people would have lost it by now but not me I just keeping digging a hole for myself & going in deeper & deeper! I should have reached my breaking point many many years ago yet I still haven't…it feels like I can't ever hit rock bottom no matter what happens! People say I am strong & I HATE it I don't want to be strong I want to be human like everyone else is & feel emotions like they do. I am so disconnected from myself it is like I am not in my body anymore it is like a seperate part of me like I am watching a show play out in front of me but where I am in the lead role!!!! I am seriously wondering if it is worth it anymore to me I don't think so to other's I am not sure yet! I think my family would be relieved in a big way but not sure they have a say in this it is my choice & NOT their's!!!!!!!