Foreword: Don’t worry, I’ll keep this short this time. I simply wanted to thank all the wonderful people who commented on my last (and all my previous) post(s), sent me messages or simply mentioned they read and liked it. This is the logical continuation of my previous entry although it uses a rather different style. I hope it will be easier to comprehend and less a depiction of pain.
I had a very great time since I blogged last. I felt good, lighter, free of a burden I forgot I was carrying. There is still pain inside me but it seems smaller, not because it shrunk but because I feel stronger, more confident to handle it. Believing that this pain can in fact be managed and over time reduced apparently is a big part of managing the pain. How elliptical.
I felt giddy for many hours, barely needed sleep, went out to get something special to eat and enjoyed it wholeheartedly. The streets still look the same but I had more fun walking to and fro and several details were actually interesting. All in all it was a great time and I guess a little trip into hypomania is to be expected.
Something else I did expect and actually plan for was the seemingly inevitable return of a mild depression, brought on by physical and mental exhaustion. Since it was late anyway I simply went to bed and slept it off only to awaken 3 hours later feeling refreshed, charged and hungry. I ate, I did this and that, pissed half the day away and got to thinking about things I usually simply push from my mind to protect myself, because I felt good and clear for a change. This eventually sobered me up a bit so here I am again. Writing about things.
The basic realization I had was that I have no idea how to approach the future because I have only been going through the motion, doing what I was told or what I thought was expected of me since my early teens. Not only do I have no idea what I actually want to do, I also have no idea how to do it. I feel woefully ill-equipped – and in fact have no idea what the right equipment is, or how to get it – for the next leg of this voyage and the doubt and uncertainty threaten to toss me right back.
Interlude: Dealing with depression and mental ilness in general is often called an up-hill battle or struggle probably because it is utterly sysiphean in nature. I too used hills as a metaphor as recently as my last blog post so I will go with this again because I like to use the same mental imagery and I hope it will make reading this a bit easier.
I will not claim that I have conquered depression since my last entry, because first of all I didn’t, I only made some much-needed progress and second I don’t like war or fighting metaphors mixed in with things regarding my brain or my heart. In keeping with the hilly theme I do feel like I’ve got higher than I was in a long time and now I can see both the top within my reach as well as the way ahead, the other side of the hill so to speak. I know I need to get to the top before going forward but what I see makes me pause. There are more hills yet.
Maybe things become clearer when I reach the top or maybe I simply need to accept the shape of this landscape and learn how to hike properly. Turning back would be the worst of choices and remaining here for any length of time seems precarious at best. Unwilling to move forward and up it is only a matter of time until I slip and tumble back down and all of this will be for basically nothing.
So I hesitantly step forward on the road to the top. Does it seem rockier than before? Are there clouds forming over me? I feel slower and heavier than just 2 hours before and I realize what this is. It seems like my type 2 Bipolar is rearing it’s head and started to rapid cycle again. This should make the coming days rather interesting in a proverbial way.
I’m contemplating unsealing my stash of Lithium because that’s what kept me stable before and most likely is what I will be getting at the doctor’s next month anyway. Then again Lithium can be a dangerous thing without precursory blood-work and my doc’s supervision … well, just as every other med. Also, I can’t take my favorite OTC painkillers when on Lithium which are the only ones that work on my chronic headaches. In effect I’d need to go to the docs to get an Rx for a med I need because I take another med without an Rx … I don’t think that will go over very well.
I hate choices.
When depressed I can hardly be moved to do anything constructive.
When hypomanic I make all the wrong choices because I simply want to have fun.
When in intermission I can’t decide because I don’t have enough time to think things through and get informed before the above break my stride.
I feel like a bad joke walking towards a punchline.
another Interlude: This isn’t what I wanted to write about, but then again that is why I blog, to verbalize (or put into writing) what I’m thinking and feeling. It’s a big sounding board to bounce ideas off. But let me get back to my previous topic now (sadly without hills because it wouldn’t make any sense).
For a long time now life has been about surviving and not about living. I am at a loss over what to actually do when I’m done with depression and this irritates me greatly because while depressed I had one clear goal, namely to get out of it. I honed my dedication for this single purpose and now I flounder because I’m not sure in which direction to dedicate myself. A question that has risen is if maybe it would be sensible to un-dedicate, to simply exist and live without depression…
Somehow that won’t sit right with me, I’ve started to think about all the things I wanted to do but never could muster the energy for, the places I wanted to visit and childhood/teenage dreams about my future. Maybe I will simply take off and backpack wherever I fancy. There won’t be anything holding me here when I’m done and plenty to drive me away (now that’s one blog-entry you’ll want to read, a story of bardic qualities).
Or maybe I’m simply loading too much on my plate by overthinking everything, because that thing is getting heavy.
Afterword: Why is there no "mixed" option for Your Mood or at least multiple choice … also, I just added this entries title, sometimes I crack up over the unfunniest things (mainly by my own doing)… Anyways, I hope you can make more sense of all that than I can right now. My brain feels bouncy. Will check back when I can think again … or stop thinking … or