I\'m over at a friends house right now… amazing where we will go to escape our own lives. lol.  Of course A few good friends are always needed.

As I sit here watching the Trains pass by, I am wondering what the future is going to hold.  The days, weeks, and months have begun to grind past me with out much to offer in regard to a course. 

Last week my case worker suggested she apply for HOPWA on my behalf.  I\'ve found myself just nodding my head and saying yes to half of the suggestions as of late with a sort of detatched numb grasp on the current events.

Truth be told, financialy, well It\'s a fun merry go round I find my self on. lol.  Everyone wants money from me now that I have none. lol.  I wonder if the banks, credit cards, and loan people understand what no money and no paycheck means.  Then again they are only doing their job. lol.  Ever hear of deferment people.  Well at least my student loan people understand.  The bank not so much.  Then again in the economy we are in it TOTALY MAKES SENSE FOR A BANK TO HARASS THOSE WHO HAVE NO WAY TO PAY BILLS. lol.  And we wonder why our country is in the mess it is in. lol.  Don\'t care much any more.

With regard to everything else.  I\'ve begun the process of packing all my stuff up and slowly getting rid of what I don\'t absolutely need.  My X-BOX is staying though.  Only source of entertainment I really have. lol.  But as for the rest of it. Well I figure other people will get more use out of the stuff than I can anyway.  I don\'t need much anyway and I\'d rather not be reminded of a career I no longer have, so I\'ve sort of just put my military stuff in boxes and shoved it all in a corner.

On a humorous note, the other day at the VA, my counselor(like she really cares) asked me how I was feeling.  I told her that If I told the truth they would put me in the Psych ward. lol. 

She kind of just looked at me and then told me to think of life in a positive light. LOL.  WOW!  Real smart one there. lol. 

I just shook my head and told her the difference between an HIV positive bunny rabbit and a Negative bunny rabbit must be the F**cking easter egg. LOL!  

Hell, I\'m hanging on, but by a thread.  Don\'t know why or how, but I am.  Suicide is so messy, and having cleaned up after a few, I\'ve no desire to put another person thru it.  Although  as I told my parrish priest,  If I am lucky one of these days I\'ll wake up and I\'ll be a cat playing with a ball of purple yarn. 

The reason I bring this up is becase I am tired of all of this.  I know there is hope, but as isolated as I have become, I am having a hard time clinging on to what little hope I have.  The anti-depressants don\'t work, I keep asking for the happy pills, but apparently they don\'t have any by the generic name called the HAPPY PILL at the VA.  LOL>  and well I\'m just done.  I want to forget about all of this, but hell they won\'t give me a labotomy for crying out loud. lol.  Simple request really. 

Try it out.  You\'d be suprised.  My doctor asked me what he could do for me the other day.  I told him if he really wanted to do something he would schedule me for a brain removal.  In typical VA fashion he told me that he can\'t do that until I get my dissability rating from the VA.  LOL.  Wow.  I\'m not loosing it.  I\'m just trying to maintain my sense of humor. 

Who knows, in a perfect world, in a perfect city, in the perfect neighborhood I really am a cat that plays with a ball of Purple Yarn.  D^M the VA and their inability to do anything in a timely fashion. 

On another note, Frosty the snowman reported for duty in the south Tropics and died of Sunburn.  LOL.  Humor is really what you make it.  Sanity anyone???

-Doogie

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