Saturday me and my boyfriend went riding on ATV's it was cool. He is always coming up with things for us to do on the weekend so I dont feel depressed. I told him I had fun, because I didnt want to hurt his feelings. But like the horseback riding, I tolerated it, it was ok but I just can't seem to find pleasure in anything. Its like Im a zombie void of feelings of happiness or pleasure- I even find it hard to love. I can't find anything passionate in my life that I can derive purpose from. Thus, i feel my life has no meaning. And whenever people try to help me, I feel like im letting them down when it doesnt work. I beat myself up, though I know I struggle for and crave happiness each day.
Sundays are the most challenging. these days I get so down becasue I think of the week to come. What can happen in between monday and friday. i get anxious. i wonder if school is for me though im afraid to stop now that Ive come so far. It just hurts that I have to struggle 20 times harder than my colleagues. Daily life doesn't seem to inspire me by far.i hate working out. I have no motivation to do anything. Im on a diet trying to lose 15 pounds that I gained from antidepressants.My boyfreind eats steaks for dinner while I eat celery sticks and swiss cheese. Speaking of that, i went too cook the steak in the oven on one of those ziploc reusuable pans with the plastic cover. I put the plastic cover in with the steaks. 20 minutes later i smelled melted plastic and discovered what I had done. I couldn't beleive that after all this time my attention span is still horrible. I cried out of frustration. These things happen all the time. My therapist asked where do go when Im not 'there' and I told him I honestly dont know. Its like Im in a trance then I snap back into reality. I go anywhere. Think of anything except what I have to focus on. My boyfriend said it was okay, that the things I do or forget to do are normal. But I know he only says that out of support. Then theres that little voice in me that says my brain is useless and Im a retard beyond help- not trying to complain but this is my battle…
i have memory and concentration problems as well, i keep failing education over again. i can't even make decisions. i can't even figure out what i really want to do because i'm arguing with myself with numbness on both sides of the argument. i don't think your crazy, because if you are everyone else in the world is. everyone gets forgetful like that to some extent, the people who don't, probably have some opposite problem like OCD. i can't remember where i put anything unless i see it, even 2 seconds later. every time i lock the door i can't remember if i just have. i also have that 'unable to have feeling for anything' thing. your feelings adapt to the situation your in mentally, what your surrounded by externally means nothing. (think of Rose in Titanic). for me i need to stop hiding from everything and push the limits or i end up in a meaningless circle. i also needed to learn to be myself and not try to fit into expectations- even my own expectations. its taking a while, im moving up at an extreemly slow speed.
Wow, I totally agree with the feeling of depression being like a void, lifeless, and without feeling. It’s dark. it’s isolation. I get super sarcastic when I’m depressed and no one can convince me that im loved or that there is a point in living. my family does all the things that are the opposite of helpful, like telling me i’ll get in trouble or just being rude. I think music helps, and God helps, but I honestly get you in that i really have no idea what to do or how people deal with this. Why am i not dead already?