First off, I would like to thank everyone for the well wishes and Easter greetings. I'm sorry I haven't been able to get back to you.
While my last couple of blogs have been pretty positive, I'm afraid I'm not feeling very positive today (which stinks because I had a really nice date last night). The thing thats bothering me most is school. As some of you may know already, I spent some time in the hospital last month and my depression has been far worse than usual this semester. I filed to take an "incomplete grade" for the three classes I was signed up for this semester since all of this stuff with my depression has left me ill-equipped to handle college at the moment. An incomplete grade is where you work with your teacher to decide when all of your work will be do and they will often give you up to a year to complete your course work, which is what I need since I haven't been doing school and the semester ends in a few weeks. One of my professors approved me so far and one I have not heard from. However, my women's health professor is being rather difficult about the situation. She's basically giving me the Spanish Inquisition as to why I havent been keeping up with my schoolwork this semster and wants me to explain every detail of my situation to her, which I didn't think I would have to do. If she doesn't approve the incomplete grade, I may have to take an "F" for the course because I believe it is to late to withdrawl and that would REALLY impact my GPA in a bad way. She hasn't come to a conclusion yet, but the outlook is not good. My art teacher is the one that hasn't gotten back to me yet, but she's a really sweet and understanding woman who knows me pretty well, so I'm sure she'll give me the okay to take an incomplete. I'm just surprised that a women's health professor that teaches about depression is being so cold about this.
The other thing that's bothering me is a problem I'm having with one of my friends. He's been there for me through all of this muddy depression stuff and he's been SO sweet. We just recently became friends and I was really thankful to have him in my life. Now, all of a sudden, he's demanding inappropriate pictures from me and getting mad when I tell him no. Why does this always happen to me? Why can't any of my friends just be genuine? I'm afraid to befriend other women because they're gossipy and backstabbing, but then I'm afraid to befriend guys because they all have one track minds. It just makes me really sad because I feel like I've lost a great friend as that is what he was to me. I'm still hesitant to cut him out of my life completely in the hopes that he'll come around and stop acting this way, but I don't know…
One thing that's been keeping me busy is cleaning my room. When my depression isn't affecting me, I'm a very neat person and am very organized. But since my depression hit back in December, I haven't been cleaning my room and I've just been adding more and more to the mess to the point where I've had to sleep on the couch in the game room because my bed is piled high with clothes and junk. Going back and cleaning it has been rough. It's like picking up the damage after a tornado has passed. I look at it and think to myself, "I did this? My depression was that bad?" It's shocking- it's like a physical manifestation of my illness. But it needs to be done. My parents have been really supportive and said that when I finish, they'll take me mattress shopping and help me pay for a new mattress so that I can ttry to start getting a better night's sleep.
If you've come this far in my ramblings, it is much appreciated. Getting it all out has helped me to feel a little better. I just need to take things day by day.