Okay, so deeply personal and waaay too much information, but I have to get this down because I'm going crazy with the constant stress, worry and upset over this.
For the first time in my life I am having MAJOR problems in the sex department. Yes, I've had the transient, never long lasting, normal issues one would expect to experience with the "whole being pregnant, recovering from surgery, just had a baby" thing (hormones, being tired, having trouble getting your head in the game), and the occasional gynae probs (pain, bleeding etc), but this time it's different. I know it is. And it's freaking me out!
I have lost my mojo.
I am having problems getting and staying aroused and cannot climax to save my life. What the FUCK is going on??? I'm SOOOOOO pissed off. First I'm bleeding and experiencing pain during sex, and now I'm experiencing NOTHING! I'm numb- in all senses of the word.
I don't know whether it's the anti-depressant, the sleeping tablet, or both! Both meds list this as "possible" side effects. I'm so over it. If it's not one problem, it's another. Overa year of this shit- I've had enough! When the hell is this part of our lives going to get better?? How many times do we have to keep trying and being diasappointed over and over again??!!
This is making me absolutely CRAZY with insecurities. If my husband wasn't bored before, he sure as hell will be now. I'm terrified that he'll decide between the mental issues and the sexual problems it's all just too hard and he'll leave me to find someone who is sane, ten times more gorgeous than me and can have sex upside-down and back-to-front no worries.
If I didn't feel like a boring, plain, mental housewife before, isure as hell do now. I just feel so pathetic. Why can't ANYTHING go right for once? I really, truly, just want to curl up and die- I've had enough.
The one thing my husband and I had that doesn't revolve around the kids, or work, or my depression/anxiety issues, or everyday stresses- something positive that was just for ourselves- is destroyed because my body isn't responding to ANYTHING.
My hubby says we'll work through this, he's not going anywhereand not toworry, but how can I not? He tried for AN HOUR AND A HALF and NOTHING happened. What the fuck is wrong with me??
The worst part is, I have no-one to talk to about this. My "friends" are all to busy with their own lives to listen to my problems (they've proven that time and time again), and talking to my mother, sister or mother in law would just be way too embarrassing! How nicely would that go down? "Hey mum, how are you? I have a problem. I can't come". That would be a comfortable conversation! I'm sure I could talk to my psych about it, and I'm sure he's heard it all before, but I honestly don't think I could bring myself to say anything like that to him. I think I'd die of embarrassment!
I'm scared that "we'll work it out" will just end up being yet another catchphrase like with all our problems. The elusive "we'll work it out". WHEN? HOW? Everytime there is a problem the answer always seems to lie in forgetting it, or hoping it gets better. There is never any steps taken to acheive it "getting better".
I'm so tired. Tired of life. Tired of struggling. Tired of waiting for things to get better. Tired of suffering. Tired of heartache and disappointment. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. It's easier.