Im hitting a pitfall in my day.Something triggered some flashbacks and I feel alone. Like I just want to curl up and just stop living. Every part of me feels broken. I wish I could just move on from things that happened. I don't understand why I can't. I mean. Ive forgiven and I've moved on. But yet nothing changes. Im stuck in this freaking nightmare that feels like I can never wake up. Reality, life around me just moves and I go along with it when Im trying to take care of my daughter or fake it in front of others. I swear if it were just me alone no one else around id be like a plant just wilting. Thats how my brain feels. Willow takes control and I don't know what goes on around me. Its like I am just sitting staring at myself and life around me. Watching it all feeling like Im lost and can't move or talk.Ive been feeling really suicidal lately. And I haven't brought it up to my husband. I should. I know that. But the last time I did a couple months ago. I broke down and he just said. You have no reason to. You just got to move on. Your life isn't bad. Its not like you have something to feel depressed about…It hurt. It honestly did. And it made me lose trust talking to him. So Ive been alone in that department. Though we talked about some serious shit on sunday. Which also brought back flash backs and since then I've been having issues fainting and flashbacks and seizures. I could check in to the hospital but they don't do any fucking thing but yell and say *stop* and i even got hit once by the doctor.Its scary. Feeling this low.I know that I wont follow through with suicide and stuff like that. But I do however know that I just am sick of faking being the mom who has it all together, the wife that has to over compensate everything just to get torn down, and the girl who just got so lost in life and is trying to rebuild it over and over again….
(I wrote a letter to someone who is important in my life. We have been emailing. I edited it. But I just needed to share it on here too because I feel as if I am bothering him and I dont want to keep bugging him.)