It was a hard day yesterday. I miss my kids. Its not easy having your birthday on fathers day when there's nothing to celebrate and nobody to celebrate with.

I came home from work in February after having to travel to do a job for the weekend away from home and everything changed. The house was empty, only a cynical matress left on the floor for me to sleep on. The house was as dead as I feel inside without giggles, cries and demands from my kids.

Other surprises lay in wait in the form of hidden debt that took everything else I had left from me, the house, bank account, job, then my mother died, she had sufferred for 18 months with cancer.

I thought I had finally found a place in life that was worth something, a place I felt safe, with children and security. I cant go back to the dark place I was before I met her, before my kids and where nobody knew how i tried to live with the lows, keeping medication secret, being unsociable, not having a circle of friends and im back there again, i know it, i dont want any close friends, maybe just someone to talk to who might just understand what its like, how it feels, how hard it is and how hard its going to be again.

I was 39 yesterday and I cried myself to sleep last night, the first time ive cried in over 15 years. When I get this low I write, i dont talk, ive never talked, ive never shared and i dont know why im sharing now, its maybe just too hard just now to face things, to start again, to only have my kids faces in my head, she took all the photos. Life truely really utterly does suck sometimes.