This year has had no shortage of major events. Matthew has been in and out of the hospital, my therapist's term is up, the landlord is getting divorced and has decided to sell our house so we've been house hunting… And here are the two new biggies…
Both of my sisters are engaged.
I'm not sure what I think about marriage. Long ago I came to the conclusion that it was a religious ceremony more than anything else. A matter of love, sure, but a religious thing none the less. And I'm just not religious.
That doesn't stop me from daydreaming, though.
I guess the romantic part of me finds the utter devotion of marriage very endearing. Very appealing.
I guess in a way, I'm jealous of my sisters. Both of them has a guy who loves them so much that he wants to vow to spend his entire life solely to them. To be held to that promise LEGALLY.
That's serious love. It's sweet. I admire the way my sisters glow as they tell the story of how their respective fiances proposed. I want that.
It's tough. I love my boyfriend so completely. So utterly… and I know he loves me too. But I don't think he'll ever want to marry. The ceremony means nothing to him. He sees it as I do… a religious ceremony. He feels that way too. That's where we differ. I feel like I want to be married.
Maybe it's just a little jealousy.. but that doesn't mean I haven't thought of it before.
I want to spend the rest of my life with Matthew. I can do that, but… yeah. I also want to get married. I want to marry Matthew. And that's a dangerous thought because it seems to me that I'm just cruisin' for a bruisin'.
It doesn't help that Maya even said that Matthew and I should get married. 🙁 I didn't want her to say that because it just further imbeds the wild notion that it might someday happen.. as if someone else seeing it might make it any more real.
I try to discourage getting emotionally involved in fantasies. It only leads to disappointment. But when everyone around me is celebrating their love, declaring it, making promises based on it… I can't help but remember my own troubles.
I'll feel better tomorrow when the sun is up and the world isn't shut to me.
I must resist the urge to draw inward. So much bad can come from this. 🙁