So the new year began and what was supposed to be a clam and nice evening turned into another fight between my husband and I. My mom was visiting which had me anxious anyways and it just blew up from there. My husband has a tendancy of being really hard on my eldest son who is from a previous relationship but who he has been been around since he was 5yrs old. My son is now 16 and you would think that they would have formed some kind of bond by now but they havn't. Maybe it's my fault for having my second soon soon after moving in together and not giving them time to get to know each other for a while before having another child. My son has begun back talking him and even though I do not approve of this, I really can't blame him. My husband has done nothing but ride him for years, He's always been such a good, loving and caring boy. He still is, and is getting all A's in school, but yet that doesn't ever seem good enough. I tell my husband that he needs to focus more on our youngest's behavior(he has behavior problems at home and school) and be worried more about him that my eldest. Like I said my eldest is always having to do this or that and almost has to cater to his younger brother. Not with me but with my husband. Since I had to return to work almost 2 and a half years ago my household has fallen apart. I have to deal with all the tention and stress in the house and I hate it. My sons had ADHD and i know it affects their behavior thinking process, memory and etc. but my husband doesnt get it. My eldest has memory problems. I'm sure some of it is selective memory but still I know he does have issues with that cause he has always had it. There are times he does things that he shouldn't be doing (hiting his brother, attemting to play with swords (fake ones) and other stuff boys do. I do get on him for that stuff but my husband goes nuts. He always wants me to repremand him to the fullest extent of the "law". Most of the time I'm not there so I dont know what has really happened. My husband has a tendancy to over react to things so I can't ever take anyones word until I'm there and get tot the bottom of things. I say it's always 50/50 of the time both sides aren't telling the full story. On those occasions when my husband does have a valid reason to be upset he shear over reaction makes it difficult for me to be on his side and I end up defending my son. Not underminding my husband but his reaction. I do punish my son but with me having to calm my husband down may seem like I'm sending my son the message that what he's done is oK. Which i have to explain to my son that it's not at all the case. But my husband seems to think so.

SO this is what happned New Years. The ball had just dropped and we were getting ready to go to bed when my husband began asking my son why he hadn't but water in the fridge to cool for everyone to drin. Mind you this is my younger sons chore and he was asked to do it. Well apparently my son got an attitude with him and my husband began to yell and he got louder after that. WHen he initally began to question him my mom made a comment about how my husband yells at him from the moment he gets up to the time he goes to bed. It's most likely true but I hate that he has to act like such an ass in front of my family, especially my mom. (she's very judgemental) well when he got louder my mom went to where they were cause it seemed as though my husband was in his face and may do something and i guess my mom was bout to jump in in case that happened. I was on the phone at that moment so when i got off I went to my room and asked my husband wtf and he went on and on. I tried to explain and let him know and remind him that he had asked our youngest to do the chore and why he hadn't got on him about it. Well it just escalated from there and we began arguing and my mom was still going to be there for 2 more days and i was going to work my 30 hr weekend. We didn't talk until yesterday a lil. Today we r talking more and just the fact that we had to get tot that point over stupid ass shit has just shaken me up and has me feeling just crappy. I was planning on being at the court house first thing this morning filing for divorce. I am just so unhappy and hate that my eldest has been through so much and now has to continue to deal with the bullshit. It just gets to me so much. We were attending counseling for a little bit before our ins. ran out and my son told them that he felt like my husband doesnt want him and nothing he does is wright. Which i already had a feeling was the case. He even cried. It just broke my heart cause he never says anything and is just getting beat up. It just takes me back to my childhood.

I feel like the worst mother in the world. I just feel so out of control right now. My hourse got cut big time at work and we're scraping by/ I'm just screwed all the way around. I hate the ppl i work for and with. I'm just miserable. I feel like i'm just trapped. I hate feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this! I am trying to keep my head on straight but it gets hard. SO hard. I just want to be happy, feel fulfilled, like i have pupose, that I am a good mom and person. Is that to much to ask for?! …………


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