I said goodbye to my daughter this morning. She is two and a half. I had her for the weekend. She is now with her mother.
For those who don't remember my first post, my wife left me a month ago. She told me she feels she has nothing left to offer, that I made her feel alone for too long, and that it was all my fault. We have agreed to joint custody of our daughter. From day one, I made sure I established a relationship with her. I am so happy I did that, because when she comes to my house, she is so happy to see me, runs right into my arms, and starts playing. She tells me she loves me all the time and we do so many things together. I am never going to give that up.
This morning I was hit with a huge storm of irony. One of my friend's told me that one of the best things I can do is be really nice to her, and show her this is not affecting me that badly. So I took our daughter to the store this morning and bought my ex some flowers for New Year's. While we were paying, the song Walk of Life by Dire Straits came on. I thought to myself, is this what my life has come to now? Seeing my daughter part time, feeling ok, then all of a sudden wanting to cry and for it all to be over? Do I just keep moving on?
I don't feel like I was a bad husband. What happened to the vows we took? I was fully prepared to stick it out and do whatever it took to make things work for the sake of my daughter. I keep hearing "kids are resilient." That may be, but my little girl is very confused right now.
It sucks. However, you are going to be ok…and she's going to be ok, too, because she's got a consistent and loving Daddy in her life that she can count on. And there's going to be Cosmo. I think for a little while, you'll want to cry. Maybe a long while. However, it's all worth it. At the end of the day…the world is better because you got married and had your daughter than it would have been if you hadn't gotten married or had her. So…even though it's not the life you wanted to give her…you gave her life…and the world's a little brighter because she's in it, yeah? That's worth crying forever over. You won't, though. Sooner or later…it'll balance out and she'll begin to understand. You'll begin to feel better. And then…who knows? This could be your year.
I am really sorry. I am sure that splitting up sometimes feels like a loss of a loved one. In my relationships before that have ended for one reason or another, I know I have felt just sick, especially when the person couldn't give me a reason… so I understand the helplessness you feel, but cannot relate to a divorce with a child. I would say, hang in there, and remember, the sun rises tomorrow, there are still battles to be won, and still experiences to be felt, and love to be had, and laughter!!! Especially for your daughter! You will be just fine, you just reach out to those around you and they will catch you if you fall!