Hello gang. I had some revelations I wanted to share. I have to share them with someone, and you guys are quickly becoming my motivators. Maybe some of this will answer questions others had. I don't know, but I know it has to come out.

Yesterday during threapy I talked about how my worth always came from doing for others. Being productive. If I wasn't going, going, going, I was worthless. I was always doing homework. I prided myself on my intelligence. I felt as though it was the only thing I had that was mine. The only thing I had control over. The thing that I did that made my family proud of me. Everything else in my life belonged to someone else. My habits were chained to my OCD, my body and spirit to my OCD and family. I put everyone before myself. I always, and still do a lot of the time, have to be in control. If I don't do it, it won't get done correctly. And it's my fault for not stepping in. Everything lies on me. It's my job to make my mom feel better. My job to make sure the house is locked. My job to make sure my mom eats. Make sure my dad is ok. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. Even at work, I over do because I worry so much that someone else doing it is going to do it wrong. So I stay past my shift because if I don't do it, then it's not going to be done correctly. And that is MY fault. I I developed my OCD to feel secure. It was my child way to making sure things went ok in my life and of that of my family. I sacrificed my freedom for the good of those around me. And should I break what is required of me, bad things happen that are my fault and therefore, I deserve the punishment.

I hoard. Bottles, boxes, paper, clothes, etc. My threapist suggested that I do this because I have no where to put my own personal baggage since I am so busy holding everyone elses. So I hoard as way to store my baggage. I use this analogy:

There is a hard drive, and most of the memory is filled up with files and folders belonging to everyone else. My family, my friends, even random people on the street. Then there is a small, 520 MB folder for my own stuff. The majority of my hard drive is for others- not me.

And I'm tired of it. I love to help people. It is my passion. It's why I am a social work major. I love learning about people. Everyone's life is so interesting to me. But I don't want to carry their files. Just want to carry my own. But thinking like that makes me feel selfish, even though, I know it's not. I have spent my entire life like this. I sacrificed much of my wants and needs for those around me. To please them. And I'm tired.

Today, I went off the deep and "ripped off a bandaid." I pierced my ears on a Tuesday. Many of you know I am day specific. Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday are my days to change something in my life. Well today I did the ultimate kind of change and right now my anxiety is so high. I am so worried now about my ears getting infected. About me cleaning them correctly. About me paying all this money and it going to waste. That it will somehow dissapoint someone. My anxiety is overwhelming at this point. All I can do escape is sleep. But I'm even afraid to do that. I have been doing nothing but shaking unconrollably since I pulled into the parking lot of the shop. I fear the worst. I'm shattering my walls with a hammer and don't know what to hold onto. Anything that happens will be my fault because I was selfish. I stepped out of bounds. Why? What's gonna happen. I just want to sleep. Thanks for reading guys.