On Friday I finally fell asleep at 4 am because I couldn’t relax after writing the previous blog (#2). I felt anxious and afraid of judgements made by people here. It was generally an unpleasant experience, exposing the ugly side of you. I don’t like to do that. Ever. I want people to like me. In fact, I’m extremely scared of rejection. Yes, I am an insecure pathetic being, no matter how I try to present myself otherwise. 

This inconsistency of my composed outside appearance and disastrous wreckage on the inside burdens me a lot. I’m don’t want to show my vulnerable side — the ugly, hurt and painful one — because I’m afraid to get even more hurt. I don’t trust people. I also know that people don’t like dealing with pathetic losers. It gets boring and tiring after a while. After 20 years of living with myself, I know.

It’s funny that no one who has seen me in real life would think of me as a pathetic loser who hates herself and wants to die. As perceived from outside, I’m fairy successful, attractive and intelligent. Yes, I’m aloof and distant, but that’s because I’m busy with studies and work.

No, I’m distant because I’m scared to approach people and create any kind of meaningful connection with them. I’m scared because I know I’m broken, I know something is wrong with me. And people get hurt. Stay away.

What people see when they look at me is a projection onto the world, a hologram of a person. It’s just a pretty shell, while inside of me is a rotting piece of garbage, insecurities and unsolved problems. It’s a good thing that no one knows about it.  It’s better stay hidden. Let people continue to percieve me as a good and successful person. I’ll continue to uphold this image because I know if I don’t, if I break down, it will be the end. So I go on.

It’s a matter of time before the rotten poisoning fumes get me.

 

PS. This is exactly how i feel, like a syphilitic, ashamed and hiding their condition in order to be accepted.

3 Comments
  1. aloneandlonely 13 years ago

    You would be really surprised at how many ppl feel like u do. Soo many ppl . I am one of them. Constantly trying to hide the ugly person on the inside. At least u are able to function in everyday life, hold a job, keep up with studies as u say. Many of us here can not even manage that. It is something positive that u can think about. tc, A&L

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  2. lateralus9 13 years ago

     reading your blogs, you are obviously very intelligent. it sounds like you have the strength to fight the way you feel. you have high expectations set for yourself, keep pushing forward, dont keep setting dates to end it, set a date to acomplish something positive with your mental health and put serious effort into achieving it. 

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  3. Downwardspiral 13 years ago

    I see a lot of me in what you write but the only difference is…I actually admire you. You bleed this courage. you”ve fallen so many times but here you are writing it all out and you always have this silver lining i mean it maybe so thin you wouldn”t notice but you are never completely giving up. You have this amazing strength. You show your intelligence through the way you word it all and how you don”t just give up. I wish I had at least that. I have people around me saying you can do great things or oh your so smart…but I can”t see it and I can”t see what they see when they look at me. You are really inspiring, i just wish for once I could see someone like us who”s really seen the bottom actually pull out and see the light and breathe that air and maybe give the rest of us hope that there is a way out…and if I could see anyone doing that I think you could..I know it sounds ridiculous at the moment given how things are but there”s just something about you

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