On Friday I finally fell asleep at 4 am because I couldn’t relax after writing the previous blog (#2). I felt anxious and afraid of judgements made by people here. It was generally an unpleasant experience, exposing the ugly side of you. I don’t like to do that. Ever. I want people to like me. In fact, I’m extremely scared of rejection. Yes, I am an insecure pathetic being, no matter how I try to present myself otherwise.
This inconsistency of my composed outside appearance and disastrous wreckage on the inside burdens me a lot. I’m don’t want to show my vulnerable side — the ugly, hurt and painful one — because I’m afraid to get even more hurt. I don’t trust people. I also know that people don’t like dealing with pathetic losers. It gets boring and tiring after a while. After 20 years of living with myself, I know.
It’s funny that no one who has seen me in real life would think of me as a pathetic loser who hates herself and wants to die. As perceived from outside, I’m fairy successful, attractive and intelligent. Yes, I’m aloof and distant, but that’s because I’m busy with studies and work.
No, I’m distant because I’m scared to approach people and create any kind of meaningful connection with them. I’m scared because I know I’m broken, I know something is wrong with me. And people get hurt. Stay away.
What people see when they look at me is a projection onto the world, a hologram of a person. It’s just a pretty shell, while inside of me is a rotting piece of garbage, insecurities and unsolved problems. It’s a good thing that no one knows about it. It’s better stay hidden. Let people continue to percieve me as a good and successful person. I’ll continue to uphold this image because I know if I don’t, if I break down, it will be the end. So I go on.
It’s a matter of time before the rotten poisoning fumes get me.
PS. This is exactly how i feel, like a syphilitic, ashamed and hiding their condition in order to be accepted.