Don't know where to start but I know I need to get it out.  Was afraid to write this because of what people might think.  I don't know how to get my life back. Sometimes I think I never had one. I can never seem to finish what I start. I am 40 years old and not done anything with my life. I have been on disability since I was 25 years old.  I had a baby when I was 29 and it did change my life I stopped drinking and did get an associate degree (which I did nothing with and a total waste of time in my eyes)  I was in a bad relationship with my sons father (who was a crack and alchol user).  In the past paid all the rent , when through hell, never have been in that kind of realtaionship before. Finally about 4 years ago , he left, my mom passed away and I was down but went on with my life. I was going to a university (hard but I was getting good grades in the beginning). I was living in back of my parents house and paid 185.00 for rent.  Living there I would go in and out of deppression. But it was a safe place to be. No one understood that, they would all tell me to move especially my sister. Who is the total opposite of me. Successful and happy. She and my father have helped me out financilly since my mother passed away and the father of my son was gone.  I would keep in touch with him I dont know why. I don't really have alot of friends. I would have fun with my son and take care of  hime. So to make a long boring story short, I did not finish college towards the end I could not concentrate I felt anxious to be around people and felt not good about myself. So I let that go. Its been almost 2 years since I have been in school.  Last fall I move from milwaukee to fon du lac only to choose my fathers son over my family to help me. It not has gone well I lost my cat of 15 years ( he ran away) I have to pay 625 for rent and 35 for internet and I feel overwhealmed.  I hate the place I live I dont know why I keep talking to my sons father, since he said he was going to help me with our son , if I moved here I moved here. Since then he went to jail, stole 400 dollars from me moved back to milwaukee but still visits on the weekends. It drives me nut always smoking pot, drinking playing this horrible rap music. Before I move here I was happy and thought I could do anything ( I belive I was a bit manic, I dont know) Got here and my mood sunk I could feel it.  all life sucked out of me.  Not to mention I live right around the corner from his mother , who drives me nuts and alway have. Why did I make this decision to come here? I dont remember now. I am stuck here now and I don't see a way out.  I am behind on rent , tried looking for a job, really down. My family is fed up with me. Turned 40 last october , dont feel like a grown up at all, always thinking of how miserable I am, bitter and angry about being here. Cant get past my feelings. Scared and tired of everything.

  1. nancie18 13 years ago

    Thanks for reading my blog and I will take the advice to write the 2 lists , thanks so much. I am currently on effexor and Lamotrigine(which is some I never took before. I went to see a therapist here but I could only see her once a month and every time I would come she wouldnt even know my name so I stopped going. I do see a  90 year old Doctor or psycharaist(spelled wrong) Who is cold and unlike my doctor from Milwukaee who I saw for 8 years.

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  2. nancie18 13 years ago

    Thanks, she so cute!! People tell me I'm too old to like her, oh well!!

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