Thank you for your kind comments and messages. It’s amazing how complete strangers, who have never seen you, can say the exact words of support and sympathy that you want and need to hear. It really touched me deeply. Unfortunately I don’t have the strength to answer right now, but I am thinking about you.
A lot happened since the last entry (#5). I can’t believe it was only yesterday. After writing it, at about 4 pm I went to sleep to wake up at 10 pm by a phone call. From him, yes. I didn’t pick up, feeling panicky and overwhelmed. Why was he calling me? I hate the reaction he elicits; even an idea of him has too much power over me. Some minutes later my mom walked into my room saying that he came by to drop my stuff off. Then a txt msg came explaining the same: that he was moving away and will never come back again. I laid in my bed and the black hole in my heart started bleeding again.
My stepfather asked me to come down to have a “talk”. As we were sitting around kitchen table I had to admit that yes, I am not feeling well. I can’t say that my parents don’t care – on the opposite, they have done a lot, helping me through 2 hospitalizations and 3 suicide attempts. I just find it hard to talk, to open up to anybody, even if they are the closest person I have. No one can help me but myself. Either I can handle the situation or I don’t deserve to be here. I feel embarrassed, ashamed of this lack of self-control, of feeling pathetically depressed, of not living up to their expectations. Who wants a suicidal daughter? But we did talk, and I reassured that I’ll be fine, that I called the Student Psychological Services and I’m willing to get back in therapy and on medication.
I went to bed at 2 am and couldn’t fall asleep because I slept the entire day before. Instead I replied his txts. It was a very painful and anxious night. He told me he cared about me and wanted to resume our communication, which was nonexistent for the past 2 months. I replied with something I regret now, even though it is the truth. Verbatim: “I miss you so much. I know there’s no going back. I was so happy with you and I’m so sorry I fucked everything up. Please don’t contact me anymore, it’s too painful and I’m not doing well right now. Wish you all the best.” He kept texting me anyway saying how much he worried, “You were my baby, I can’t just forget that cuz I don’t see you for a while”, etc. He, who accused me of being selfish by trying to commit suicide at his place (nevermind why or how I was feeling but it would leave such a mess, and how would he explain it to his landlords? I will never forget that), who pushed me to drinking and ODing landing me in ER, who never visited or even called the hospital, who “let me get better” on my own when I needed the most support, who whined and cried that I was leaving him (how could I do this to him! What a bitch!)… I will never tell him but I do feel that he betrayed and left me first, in times of my greatest need. Too bad that I’m willing to forget all that because he broke his foot and I want to be there for him, be his crutches, and my insides are falling apart because I still love him.
I was awoken in the morning by a phone call. KN, the coordinator of behavioral and psych services, was calling to tell that she’s still looking for a therapist for me because there’s a 2 week waitlist. However, she was willing to see me herself today at 1pm because she understood that the situation was urgent. I told the midterm (12-2pm) to go fuck itself since I didn’t know anything anyway, and, after emailing the professor that I was sick, I went ahead to see her. I had to take 4 pills of Neurontin at once (instead of one 4 times a day) to get a hold of my anxiety before getting out of the house. During the bus ride I was sedated and calm, but then I made a mistake to grab a coffee before going in which led to a massive headache and dizziness. KN was very nice and understanding. I told her about my fear to become suicidal again once the depression lifts up and I feel a little energized. She quickly picked up on my fear of trusting people and past feelings of abandonment. Then my mom came into the session. It was ok with me, I knew she was worried and didn’t know what to do. We spoke about ways to cope, that I should establish a network of support since there are people who worry and care about me, that I should be more open, etc. Then she hustled and got a hold of a psychiatrist (they are really busy people) and made an appointment for me to see him tomorrow at 3 pm. Everyone believes I need to get on medication ASAP. In the past medication made me feel more suicidal, but I don’t care anymore. I’m willing to do anything. I don’t want a relapse or worse another hospitalization since I know I don’t have the means to have a successful suicide at the moment.
That was one fricking long blog. Wow. I’m glad to get it all out.
Currently listening to: Nobukazu Takemura – Searching