I'm not okay. today won't be a 'Happy' Birthday. it's just a bitter reminder of the fact i'm here when I never asked to be.

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it's already off to a bad start and it's not even 3am yet.

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I want to die, it's that simple, every moment i'm here…alive…I just full of pain and struggle and a constant battle i've already lost a long time ago.

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But i'm going to have a stitch on that fake smile and get through the day.

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though I probably don't have to worry to much, people won't remember to wish me a happy birthday. they only ever say something if I mention it.

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yet, I always remember to wish them a happy birthday even if I haven't talked to them in awhile. it's just the person I am.

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it's sad, but the best birthday i've had in a long time, was two years ago while I was at canopy cove (an eating disorder treatment center.) because I was safe from myself, and there were people I felt connected to and loved.

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other then that, there is nothing to celebrate when it comes to me. I can't do this anymore. I can't act alright just to please other people.

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Please, Just let me die….

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I will say,however, the only good thing about today is the fact that my baby girl (and her brother who sadly died young) was born on this day. Spicegirl turns 15 today.

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she's been my rock, and with me through everything. When it's her time to go…which i PRAY isn't for a long time, I know that is the day I wills urely die if it isn't sooner.

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anyway….I hope you all have a good day. as I try to drag myself through it.