Why is it that some of us have been cursed with this neurological plague known as depression? I drive my kids to school every morning and I pass by all of these happy moms in their mini vans taking their kids to school and I cant help but wonder, what the heck it is that they have to be so happy about? Why can't I be happy? Why is it that everytime I think I am "BETTER" I always end up right back in the lonely abyss known as my head. Why is my head this way? What is it that would make me have horrible and negative thoughts before I open my eyes in the morning. Is it because from the time I wake up all I look forward to is bedtime? Is it something I may have dreamed? Maybe its just my head messing with me. Why is it that it is so hard for people to understand how I am feeling? I don't think I will ever get better. I am not comfortable opening up to people out of fear that anything I say can and will be used against me at some time in my future. Besides I don't want to be seen as weak. I am supposed to be strong in business, big girls don't cry, right? I am having trouble interpreting the numb/tingly feeling that over takes my body when I get depressed or have thoughts of "not being here anymore", I have experienced this since I was in the 5th grade. When I was younger I would take action to make the feeling go away. Now I just try to use positive thoughts or to think myself out of it, lets face it that does not work for me. Do I like the feeling or not? I don't want to be depressed but I am……….

4 Comments
  1. EyeMInsane 16 years ago

    I know this may sound rather cliché.. but there are those of us out here that understand completely! And as much as I would like to explain it away.. I cant. Ive been trying to do that for myself for years. In fact, Ive been dealing with depression since the age of 10. I wont go into detail but I have run the gamut of experiences when it comes to my depression. I think the first thing you need to realize is… this isnt a fault. You have a valid medical illness. AND You are NOT less of a person because of your illness. In fact,  just because those moms are smiling.. doesnt mean they are happy. Most of them probably arent. Keep in mind that we all tend to portray ourselves as whatever we think people want to see us as. Im sure they dont want to be seen as "weak" either. (Although there is nothing wrong with weakness) And they probably looking at you and wondering why they cant be more like you. We all tend to mask our feelings. No one wants to be judged. The thing is.. we are all human. No one is perfect. Society has implemented this expectation.. this standard that none of us can live up to. So, we pretend we do. Dont let some superficial definition define your life or who you are. Everyone has difficulties & hurdles. Some of us however, arent able to deal with them as well as others. Depression isnt some term made up by weak individuals so they have an excuse. It is a legitimate disease that plagues soooo many people. I think your being here is a good thing. At least here, you can voice your feelings & know that someone is listening. It isnt an easy fix. But the more you understand others & yourself.. the easier it becomes to accept.. and believe it or not… even on the most difficult of days.. you find yourself smiling more… you find some sense of happiness within yourself. not for anyone else.. but because you realize… its okay to feel. Its okay to cry. Its okay to be human. Its okay.

     

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  2. Louisiana1976 16 years ago

    This makes me wonder–how many of the "happy" moms you see everyday really are happy? I mean, often people will put up a good front so others don't know they're depressed or having other problems. I know this because when I was working I most often put on a happy face–but there were times I didn't succeed and I think that's why I got the bad review I got before I was laid off.

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  3. everybodysfool 16 years ago

    You are absolutely right. 🙂

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  4. bobby41 16 years ago

    i think the same way the only diffrence is that i wish i was them but really we dont know if they are really happy. you are not alone in your thinking 

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