So it’s Christmas Eve? I don’t think I’ve ever been this depressed or upset before so close to Christmas, and i was deperesed this year.

I dont know how long i’ve been crying. As I sit here I just took a break from wraping presents trying not to have tears fall on the presnts or the tissue paper. Nothings done… at all.

I dont know not having an exteneded family makes it feel less like christmas. We always had a small family, but the remaing eteneded part has passed on since, so now its just my usual family I live with. Just my mom and nana, who are right now mad and upset. I think they mostly upset cuase nothing is done. it will technically be christmas in about 12 minutes and theres no tree up no decorations no presnents wraped nothing at all. so everyones on edge and mad.

A little while ago they were upset and not working on trying to get it together and when I started crying saying that i so desperatly wnated a real christmas to try to feel happy, and all they sad was please dont make this worse and more stress full. I cant get more upset. Granted she has anxiety issues but i just want someone to care. So then i went back to room and proceeded on crying on the floor hard for awhile.

Finnaly when I helepd get an artifical treee down for attic (which we never use, always was real) i started putting it together and of cousre they didnt like it and want to see if there is another one up there. one step forward three steps back.

ugh i just give up, id do anything anything at all just to make it feel like christmas, let alone be happy for it . i just wish i didnt hope anymore :/

merry christmas to anyone reading this.