This depression is like cancer… though there are times I wish it were that instead. These last few weeks with so little sleep seem to stretch on forever. I am lost in this world. I am drowning myself and I don't even know it. I feel unstable and my best friends are suffering because this stupid lost soul cannot control this disease. I spent a long time in the shower yesterday evening. I sat and cried in the shower for what seeemed like an hour. I just sat there naked, wrapping my arms around myself wishing for death. Times like these I am glad I don't have much medicine around. Times like these I know why I despise the thought of having a firearm or even razor blades in the house. Though the pocket knife I own that's just inches away from me now is tempting, I am at least grateful that I decided not to have it resharpened. Least it makes things difficult everytime I try to cut myself with that thing. But how long will it be before any of these precautions won't matter. I sometimes think all this shit is just brewing cancerous cells inside me. I don't want this life i think… it pisses me off how simple of a fix it could be if I just pretend I'm alright or something. I hate how this depression just takes it all away. I hate how my psychiatrist told me this is just an illusion that this is just a fucking chemical imbalance and all I felt is just a lie. This pain and all these thoughts are mine. I am alive, aren't I? Why would they tell me otherwise. Why can't I just live… why couldn't I had died that day…. why did they have to resucitate me. It's wrong of me to go back to that and I know that… I don't even know anymore. I guess deep down… subconsciously, I am only writing because I just want to say please someone save me.
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What your lies have done, why do you still lie
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why pretend that you loved?why pretend you cared?stop pretending, stop lieing . cant you see the pain? cant you...
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Gym membership
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Today I decided to join a gym. My x always said no but he would always walk ahead of...
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Keep pushing
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Drawing a deep breath…when all else fails, blog blog blog I had expected a small “crash” after the intensity...
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Musings of the Anti-depressed
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I've never done ANYTHING like this before, but this is part of my commitment to myself to find some...
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My story
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I was hospitalized in 2007. I was having suicidal ideations. I Had downed some Rx. I ended up throwing...
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“Don''t Treat Me Like I''m Dead and Gone”
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So, I didn’t get the day I wanted yesterday. I’ll try again today. I told Charlie last night that...
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Running Eagle
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Everyone, Even though this is an urban legend: http://www.snopes.com/politics/kerry/eagle.asp I still think it describes Hillary very well, and it’s...