Over the last month I’ve been in a running depression, that I’m not sure I’m out of yet.
It was triggered by a friend writing a suicide note, and her therapist not knowing her job.
My best friend, the other friends husband, and myself tried to intervene.
As it turned out, the note was just an attention thing.
I don’t just blow off suicide notes, and, as usual, I took that one seriously.
I’m not ready to loose a friend to suicide.
I found out that I’m also not stable enough to deal with trying to help someone in that situation.
So that’s the start of it.
I’m always looking for ways to distract myself from depression, whether depressed, or not.
That causes me to cycle pretty quickly when depressed, wich causes extremes, and that just causes trouble for me.
The other night, I hit an extreme high.
With extreme highs, I almost always drop lower than Garth Brooks in a country club.
That happened also.
I had bite marks just appearing that I couldn’t remember doing.
My right hand was completely numb, except for my thumb. It felt like it was on fire, and still hurts.
My left thumb is still numb.
Biting usually temporarly snaps me back into reality.
That appearantly didn’t work for me this last time around.
Yesterday, I had a phone interview with a trucking company.
That gave me a goal that may possibly make some other seemingly impossible goals possible.
That brought me out of the extreme low.
I’m not sure I’m out of the woods yet, but for now, I’m feeling pretty fair.
That suicide note was just a trigger for me.
The other stresses in my life kept it going.
The situation with my daughters.
The fact that I’m extremely uncomfortable at my current residence.
That I still haven’t met my dad yet.
Being stuck at my current residence.
Not enough money to achieve my goals.
Feeling abandoned by my friends
Many other things, also.
The fact that I have job applications out now actually reduces my stress level quite a bit.
With a better paying job, I might actually be able to get ahead.
I still don’t have an official diagnosis yet, so I’m not on any meds, and at times I really need something to bring me out of the fog.
I have a pretty good mind, and often when I’m not doing well, I’ll compare what I’m doing with what normal people do, or have done in similar situations, and apply what I find to my situation.
That works much better than trying to rationalize what I’m doing to make myself feel better.
At times, though, I get too low to do that, and that’s where I feel meds are needed.
My therapist is still trying to figure out who, and what I am.
I don’t feel that I’m much help to him, though.
I’m way too complex to make that easy.
I should email this blog to him.
That might help him with me.
He has permission to look at my Live Journal, and MySpace accounts.
My account here, I’m thinking that I should just email my blogs to him. I don’t think he would look at others here, but I don’t want to tempt his couriosity.
Wish him luck with me.

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