I'm so depressed so I just came here.I don't know what else to do. I'm shaking and I can hardly type. I feel so worn out I cant even describe it. I worked so hard to make a good holiday for myself and my parents maybe I am just exhausted. I had to be happy for one more night and I did. J came over and he and my parents and I had a pretty good time. I was able to drink a lot and not feel guilty, but the depression got so bad today, I had anxiety attacks all day I lay there in bed shaking and praying and hoping I'd feel better. Alcohol is not supposed to make people like that. It didn't really do that to me before, but now it is so bad, I don't know what has happened to me, if I am just old or if my brain chemistry can't handle the liquor anymore. I guess that's it. Same meds all along, so it's not an interaction thing. Maybe I am just so depressed about my life that could be why the alcohol makes it worse. I am not sure, I just know that it makes me very very depressed the next day, and have anxiety attacks.

I am having trouble putting sentences together. The things I try to do to pick myself up are not working. My brain seems to be having a melt down. I just hope I can stay quiet and not bother my parents with it. I don't feel agressive, I just feel so down that I can't function. I realize I have reached a total dead end.

It is almost one year since Kyle texted me, on his own, without me prompting him. It has been over 2 weeks since I mailed the letter. I know that eventhough I said I know he does not feel the same and I want him to be happy, I still can't accept it. If he read the letter it was a goodbye, me trying to get past my feelings for him, just writing him and letting him know how much he meant to me. That's all. But in my heart and mind I can't accept that it has always been goodbye. I can't stop checking my phone to see if he has texted me. I can't stop believing that the letter touched him somehow and has made him miss me too. I have no hope at all if I stop believing that. But I know he doesn't care. I know he has moved on.

Last year was horrible mainly due to the fact that Kyle stopped caring. The year before (2009) he was still contacting me, sometimes in ways that seemed like he really wanted to reconnect with me. But I was afraid to pursue it. I was afraid because I didn't want to be disappointed. So I didn't try to talk to him when I should have. I didn't take that last chance that he gave me. I wasn't even sure he was giving me a chance.

Then last year, he was gone. I tried to reconnect with him, but he obviously wasn't interested. And the letter was all I could do by then.

I keep thinking back to the night in Feb 2010 when I saw him at the bar. Looking at him answered all the questions I had. I knew my heart would never ever find anyone else to replace him.

WHY can I not be that special person to him? And if I can't, WHY can't I let him go? I feel incomplete. I know saying that would have made things worse, so I didn't. I just made the letter one that told him I'd always love him, never forget him, etc… I couldn't say that I needed him, that would just be desperate and creepy. I'm sure he thought the letter was creepy enough.

I am so scared. I am trying hard to be happy about things, like my new modem and my computer working and having fun with my parents and J. My things I got for Christmas.

But in the end, it's all the same horrible loneliness. No control over my own destiny. No purpose for existing.

Kyle was the one bright spot in my life. Even after he left. Any kind of contact from him was all I was living for. And now all of that is gone.


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