Took my Observational Astronomy final exam this past Thursday at school and flunked it with flying colors…as I did my midterm exam…trying hard not to beat myself up over somehow flunking a class that was the only class I had this semester, and with plenty of time to study all semester but didn't nearly enough anyway(only area where I can say I made a "full effort" was that I read every single page that was assigned in the textbook)…but never bothered until too late to go online and go over the zillions of notes via pinpoint(I think that's what it's called) from lectures that teacher put on there….and the fact that I had no idea we could access it at all online until well into the semester, and the frustrating fact that I'm one of the few left in this world who has yet to have his own computer via desktop or laptop(somehow have never been in position to afford one I guess, and never wanted to bother to ask my parents to contribute $ in helping me obtain one, even though they probably would have)makes for very little if any of an excuse; I do afterall have access to the computers at the library(where I'm writing all of this right now) even though those tend to suck(screen freezes an awful lot) and at my Dad's office which is just down the street from where I live and which I'm welcome to use there anytime when he's not having office hours there…. And yeah, might be able to use unplanned-for time spent dealing with and worrying about my Dad's situation to SOME extent as an excuse(for instance, day I was planning on spending all-day studying for exam was first day I had to take him to the ER and then go see him at the hospital downtown where they ended up transfering him to which took all day, and then I still went to take the test at night–class is a night class).. Also, regarding my Dad, should mention I have been very lucky to have a very understanding and compassionate teacher regarding situation with him….but still have to consider that possibly an underachiever(despite DBT skills where it is greatly stressed to eliminate urge to judge yourself among other things; and if anyone who reads this wants me to elaborate on what exactly DBT skills are, feel free to let me know) what with spending first two hours of time I planned on studying for test on Thurs. reading newspapers rather than studying…..which leads me to ask: HOW…How could I do that?!?….How is it possible that this somehow apparentlywasn't important enough to me to STUDY MY FREAKING ASS OFF?!?…How is it that I apparently didn't feel that urge to do so what with the perpetually frustrating feelings of inferiority and shame that I always feel for never having obtained a college degree?!?(and this would merely be an associate's degree that I'm trying to obtain, which I'm trying to convince myself is better than no degree at all, and who knows what, if anything, that could lead to school-wise from there?)…….

How much of a legit excuse can I make that I have always struggled with science courses–science along with math proving historically to be my two worst subjects…that I have a previously diagnosed learning disability (in tandem with ADD) which has led to me being eligible for services from the Access Office at school(that is the office that assists students with disabilities) in the past, but which I never became eligible for this past semester because of the frustrating and perplexing inability of my therapist to send in the necessary paperwork to the Access Office verifying updated doccumentation of said learning disability/ADD?…(but still have to take reposnsibilty for some of that for apparently not hounding the Dr. enough to get the paperwork in to the Access Office)?…How much of a difference that would have made if I had gotten those services? I don't know….But among other things, might have been eligible to have an assigned "note-taker" in class to take notes for me, which I imagine could only have helped seeing as the notes I did take in class were absolutely atrocious(and rapid-speaking teacher certainly didn't help matters in that regard)….Anyway, bottom line as to where all this stands now is Rick (my teacher) is needing to know ASAP if I want to take a retake of the test(just an example of hin showing how much of a compassionate man he is, because he has said that he would give me considerable leeway–which I did not ask him to do btw–in regards to how I do in class due to what he feels will be understandable distractions involving that situation),but I'm just pondering whether to take the whole class again next semester….I had to do that once with a science class in school that I had flunked the first time but ended up with a C the second….because as of this moment, I STILL don't know if I'm going to make the effort to study hard for it. and if I do go with the option of a retake…and if I took the whole class all over again, at least this time wouldn't have to worry about reading the textbook(I highlighted like a madman everything I thought I might need to know in there), could focus soley on taking the notes, would know from the beginning how to access the powerpoint lectures online, and would perhaps have those helpful services from the Access Office this time provided I finally get through to my Dr this time. and make sure she has gotten the paperwork and if so, to make sure she has sent it in…Any of these options would be better I suppose that just "going down without a fight" and taking an F(which would obviously severly damage my 3.0 GPA as well)…Guess we shall see….