To-day seems to be arduous, it is mid afternoon and I feel it should be early morning. Every movement I make I find has to be a conscience thought. It would be far easier to remain curled up on the sofa or in bed watching movies then actually trying to function. But then the chemistry that fuddles my brain would remain constant and unchanging.
Each movement is a challenge, and I find I am having to tell myself aloud to perform it. Even sitting here typing it occurred to me that I should make more tea, and commanded myself to get up and put the kettle on. Then while waiting, to wipe the counters down, not putting it off until later, which could turn into a week. And has in the past.
But the past is just that, the past. It is not to-day or tomorrow but something that cannot be relived or altered. Only changing patterns to-day will affect tomorrows outcome.
And now the command is " get up, pour the boiling water over the tea and while you are up, vacuum the living-room". Which turned into, "clean the bathroom, take a shower and get dressed".
So now I can sit relatively guilt free in a clean apartment , wearing clean clothes sipping fresh tea.
This blog is more for myself than anyone else. Here I can see when I am functioning, what I am doing to keep moving forward, and watch for changes as they happen.
It is day three of my choice to taper off Manerix and decrease the Seroquel. I feel the Manerix is the root cause of my agitation and the Seroquel dosage my dear Dr. wanted me to take would have me comatose all day. Why put a band-aid on an issue another drug is causing? I am not doing this on a whim or in ignorance, after 30 years of severe depression I have done my homework, taken the courses and have an excellent "tool box" to work with. I also, on my own, consulted with the local mental health office, visiting with a worker who has been a great shoulder and support when I have called on her. She was the worker who took my call after an incident that put me in hospital for two weeks. My Dr. had over prescribed a plethora of medications that sent my mind sideways. I held on to my rational brain long enough to dial 911, although the silver spiders were crawling all over the phone ( yes at this I am laughing). But that is a different blog and one that perhaps will be next.